Hindi-Urdu Archives

We were five young brothers and sisters. We were seven of us. Of the seven, two sisters passed away. And we were three sisters so one of the eldest one got married, as in our maternal grandfather got her married. We were really young, us brothers and sisters. So my father went earlier to **. My grandmother would cry. She would say – “Bring back my son, bring back my son!” she would say… So when my father came from the **. Then uh… some days… after some days, he resigned. So we had five ** and two- two uncles… There were four uncles. With my father, they were a total of five. So they all said to my father that – “So you received so much money after submitting your resignation. What will you do with so much money? You buy a store or build a nice house, do this…” So my father didn’t listen to any of their advice. And my father would say – he was also educated – his thought process was – “I have young sisters at home, sisters of age are sitting at home and society is all that…” so first what my father did was to marry off all his sisters with that money. After getting married, they went to their own houses… Then, we faced a very difficult time and my father was not even working at the time, he was doing nothing… he was at home doing nothing… Doing ** no? So he would do ** and give him money… So we were very young, so what my maternal grandfather would do, he would go to teach children. He would go to teach children and he would get us money for our expenses, to our house. There, my maternal grandmother would fight that – “You…” – we had an uncle, and my uncle also left my aunt and my father also came here, leaving Ahmedabad, when we were really young. So we would go work in the fields and fill our stomachs… Then, by Allah, my father sent my brother here so he worked at the ** hotel at the ** and my brother’s health was very bad. Our aunt used to live near us and she wrote to them saying that tell your mother that – “You eat there and drink here and come soon. The boy’s health is deteriorating.” So my mother started crying to my maternal grandfather saying – “Ahmedabad is such a big city, where will you go, child?” She said – “I will go somehow, taking my children with me and I will stay there only with the children, I can’t leave the children…”

So my maternal grandfather gave my mother 100 rupees – so there was an uncle, an aunt’s son and me, we all came here together. We came here as in, our father lived here so he was involved with someone else… He said – “There’s no place here…” – he wrote to my mother in a postcard when we said that we were coming – “The situation is very bad here. Two girls died of hunger.” he said… “And you will end up killing them as well….” He said – “You do whatever you want, I can’t take care… I can’t host them here.” So my elder aunt wrote a letter and invited us here. She sent a postcard and called us and we came here.

We lived near our aunt in Bismillah Nagar. Then after some time, my mother got together with some women and started to go to work. She started to work and went to work and slowly got a hut with some money. Then in the hut, ** my mother would work and then we would eat. She would bring it from where she worked. We ate, we drank, we grew up… and things got a little bit better. Then my brother is there no? He would **… So then we grew up and my brother wouldn’t let us leave the house. Then I got married and my husband also did the same thing. He would drink, gamble, stay there all night and never come home here. And ** the house we were living in, the owners of that house backbite – “Your wife doesn’t work at all. Your wife sleeps all day.” I used to work all day in the house like a servant. And then too I was beaten so much by the in-laws that this – my face – would get swollen. My face would become so big! So my mother would go – they would beat me and then bring my mother and say – “See your daughter’s situation is really bad. Come, let’s go.” So my mother came once or twice and my mother couldn’t bear it so she said – “You leave my daughter. I will keep her. I married off my 15-year-old daughter at your saying… One thing was that no one was giving their daughter to you, and your sister trapped us, having said all these things. And you didn’t tell us that your brother drinks, gambles etc. And you have ruined our daughter and her life, no? If you had told us earlier, we would have never given over our daughter.” So they said – “Ya there is no loss. You take your daughter and go! We don’t want!” they said. So my mother said – “Give them the divorce.” So I said – “No. I won’t give divorce. I’ll take divorce then this man is rotten, and another man will also be rotten… will I do **? I won’t do it!”

So my husband, kept doing all these things and the violence kept increasing. Then we left to live separately and we took the house – the hut in **, even there he would do this thing. Then I started having children so I had these small children and my mother said – “See, these kids will grow up tomorrow, you leave him.” I said – “No, I won’t do that.” Even then… the sister-in-law came from the village, I can’t even say how much she was violent towards me. If my mother, my father came to meet me, my husband would be nowhere… ** At night also **. Then, we started debris work, so even when we go out in the ** to do debris work, so there he would get drunk and lie there… After fifteen days he would come and he would give me 15 rupees and leave. How can I take care of these kids with 15 rupees? So what would my children do? We’re doing work, someone’s giving **, there’s no work, they’re giving **… my children would do… so they would bring the ** rupees and give it to me and I would cook khichdi (a salty porridge made of rice and lentils). And then I would cook the khichdi and I would bring the children and feed them. Even if I had to eat less, I couldn’t see my children hungry. So first I would feed my children and then lay them down for sleep. And during rains, my work was – when the rains come, I would cover the children with a plastic sheet, spread the plastic on the ground and I would call him I would take the ** and hold it and sit there. I would do like this. So my sister-in-law also created problems for me… There was so much violence, she would beat me a lot. And my husband would beat me a lot. He would drink and come and beat me up so much that the boys who grew up after that, three… then it reduced… Then he would ** and sit at home saying. My boy – the eldest one – would go to the factory everyday just to do this work and bring two rupees home. The two rupees that the boy brought no? They would take even that and not allow him to bring it home. They would make the boys wear ** kind of clothes. And those people who bring ** and sit in the flea market no? I would wear the clothes bought with money from that. Even the ones with **.

And my sister-in-law is there no? When she would go to **, she would give so much work but she would not give me even one set of clothes. Whatever food is there she’ll eat and the rest she will give upstairs to her relative, so it would go there and I would be hungry for two-two-three-three days because she wouldn’t give me anything to eat. She would give to neither my kids nor me. So we have to beg and eat and outside our house their used to live a fakir (an ascetic), so he would go into the settlements in the day as well as the night and he would bring the food from there and feed my children *breaks down in tears*. He would feed the children and me and that’s how we have spent our life. He would bring food even on night of the month of Ramzan (a month of prayer and fasting observed by Muslims), he would feel like his own sister’s children are hungry and so they would come and feed us and we would eat his food. Then the children started growing up and Allah gave them a good mind and common sense and they began to work. My husband had become completely useless and would stay stuck at home, would never go anywhere. There wasn’t any support of even 2 rupees. Then the sister-in-law also went home. Giving others food, clothes etc. but not to me. They wouldn’t give to us. Neighbors would say – “You go to work no, get two-three sets from there…” I would say – “No. I use my thumb print, I’m illiterate, but I know that to steal clothes is to steal a shroud… I will never steal, I will not become a thief! Even if I have to patch up my clothes ten times!” They won’t call me because I am wearing torn clothes so who will call me? But I will never steal. Our parents never taught us to steal. If someone has dropped their gold even, we think it’s mud and move on. We eat that which we have earned with honesty, we would never earn by stealing. Many would steal and amass so many goods. I would put the boys on guard, my boys would steal and give me but I would say – “No. I have not taught you that habit! Do work, earn and eat even if it is half a piece of bread. Profiting from a forbidden activity gives no returns, ever. Pay attention, child to what I am saying!” My children follow that teaching even now. We work hard and eat. Now it’s many thanks to Allah that my children are also alright now and their daughters and wives in their homes are also good. Everything is good. Praise be to Allah!

After the ** riots we were here only. It happened, three days after Indira Gandhi told us.. so after the riots we were here only. Yes, yes we were very young when Indira Gandhi didn’t – a ** lot of riots happened. Outside, vehicles overflowing with dead bodies would be carried away to be thrown in the garbage dump. Within three days of that as soon as Indira Gandhi found out no? She had ** and on the fourth day, we came here, we came here. From that time on, we have been here only. After that we never went to look for our house anywhere else. Because nobody stayed well at home also… Our grandmother was there but she wouldn’t give us anything to eat. Our uncle was also there and he wouldn’t give us anything to eat. There were really small brothers and sisters and Marwad – ours was a chawl – Marwadis used to live there, so to go inside the Marwadi gully, my brothers and sisters we would ask from them and feed them and I would bring them back home. I had very young brothers and sisters. All day they would suffer because of hunger. And my mother would go work in the fields for 30 paise so she would also go hungry. They would ask – “Did you bring food? Did you bring food?” and I would go and sit, they would see my mother for two-three days that – “Didn’t you bring food for them?” So they, would give bread made of jowar (sorghum), four people having one piece of bread, that’s it. “You eat and drink water and come, let’s go to work.” The 30 paise – when the sun set, then we would come back and sleep in the dark at night, we didn’t even have electricity at our place. We would go to sleep in darkness. Then when we would awake at dawn, then, I would prepare the stove and my mother would make tea and give us and we would go in the jungle, just like that. Then my poor maternal grandfather would send some money for expenses. On Monday, at our place – there was a bazaar at his own place and one at our aunt’s place – at our aunt’s place, people had gone to Poona, and children were left here and there. So even their expenses were taken care of by my maternal grandfather. He would lead prayers in the mosque and teach the whole neighborhood – my maternal grandfather. We were here only in 2002 when the riots happened. From that date itself we were here only. We were this small – brothers and sisters… No there, the first one itself… when that ** riots happened no? We had come here. On the third day itself, we had come. **** in Bismillah Nagar. We were at our aunt’s place in Bismillah Nagar. Our aunt would also have so many problems with us. And near us, there was an uncle who lived near the cemetery, who would take care and father and brother requested that uncle – “Give us some land to use, even you can take money for it!” So my uncle – he died, bless his soul, that uncle gave us some place. So we made something and lived inside it – house. Then those sheets that anybody threw out into the garbage bin – that old stuff we would bring and keep and then sleep on that. We used to do that. Now everything is good, praise be to Allah. Brother also has made a house, both brothers have made their houses and our parents died and I got married and live at home and my sister is there – thirteen years old and got married she got pregnant at thirteen itself. She has three children. Three – two boys and one girl. She lives in Juhapura, poor thing… goes to do ** work.

What is there? And in what ways one should go out and about – within four walls we were only taught that when elders come, respect them and cook food for them and feed them, serve them and just dedicate yourself to that! This is how my whole life has gone by. At first, my whole life got ruined behind my brother. Neither did I learn to read-write nor do anything else – my mother never sent me to school. In this way, life just went by. When we handled **, my father went mad. So he used to go to the factory and get some 10-12 rupees, so we lost that too… He started going to **, when they used to come home to take care of the brother – we had two other brothers and sisters… so after that I felt – mother is going to work, taking care of my brother, couldn’t go to school, couldn’t get educated at the madarsa (an Islamic seminary). Some days passed by, we managed with little, then I took care of a lot! I would do a little bit here and there – would go to work with my mother and come back with her… Staying like this, I learnt how to manage in the world, I handled a lot, learnt a lot… some days I would go with my maternal grandmother and some days with my mother, even then I would receive all the dishonour from the world. They would say – “Oh this girl is not good! She stands there and talks to guys, she sits there… she behaves like this with her brother…” This way my story kept going on, and after some days, my mother got me engaged in another place. The engagement happened and somebody went to that place and spread rumors that – we used to make broomsticks – we used to sit, girls and boys opposite each other and we would make broomsticks – so they said – “She sits on the verandah of that person’s house and she does this with that person… she enjoys with him!” and in this way they made sure that the engagement was broken off from there! My mother would beat me up a lot saying – “You don’t protect our honor and pay mind! You don’t take care!” Even my father started to say things like this.

Some days later, my father was bringing home the Diwali bonus and his mental health deteriorated from then… He would live in his own world and my mother would leave for work and then the same taking care of my brother… would have to take him to feed him milk to **. Then bringing him back from there, putting him to sleep, all the children – there were two – a brother and sister – fed them, sent them to school, and just flitting from one place to another with the children… So like this some days passed and my mother said – “She’s getting shamed everywhere, I need to get her married off.” So nobody was agreeable about it at our house! They just called a Nikah Qazi (a wedding magistrate in Islamic tradition) to finalize the wedding vows. The said – “After this, we are dead to you and you are dead to us.”

So they got my wedding done and I went there and some days went by well. And then the same, my mother-in-law’s violence, and my sisters-in-law tongues wagging, and all that happens… It would keep happening and I would keep listening to it. I would let go of the words behind me – “Let it be, from now on I have to live here only, be as is…” So in this way… I had two-three children – first two boys – one boy was born and then my mother came and they said – “You could invite her home at least now!” “It’s not good, forget the anger, she’s the mother of a boy. You don’t have to give and receive but she will at least have the assurance that her mother is there to support her and invite her home!” We went there, stayed for a few days, on the eighth day or so, my mother-in-law said something and the boy’s father came and said – “Get the boy ready!” I asked – “Where are you taking him?” So he said – “I’ll bring him back some other time…” Now I readied him and gave him the child – the elder one, my son! So they took him at around 10 in the morning and he didn’t bring him back even around 7 or 8 in the evening. There was nobody. It turned 9 o clock, even then no one turned up! Now my mother was worried and asking – “Where did your sons go?” “I don’t know what’s going on.” “Maybe there’s a fight, go ask, go ask!” This way time passed on and we didn’t know he was hungry and had a high fever! And I sat weeping at the cemetery. The cemetery and our house were very similar looking – that you could see if they were coming from this side – then from the other side I saw them and I ran like a ** to take the boy and he said – “Leave him. There is no need to take my son, you can stay at your mother’s place and do whatever you want!” That time, my father’s mind was a bit… He said – “How did you just hand over the child like that? Your mother didn’t give birth to you for that! You were there that’s why the child was born!” he said… He shouted – “Give back the boy to my daughter!” and brought back the child. The mother-in-law was so violent, she just said – “You leave this house. Don’t need to be here!” Then I left my mother’s house altogether.

Spent my life this way. My sisters-in-law would come and say something, they would come and say something… my life went in this way and so on and then I had five daughters as well, afterwards. Five daughters were born and they would say – “She’s giving birth only to daughters, she can’t have sons anymore… We shouldn’t see her or do things in front of her!” No eating together, no talking properly, nothing… neither eating or drinking there…” After delivery I just had to get up and feed my mother-in-law and in all of this they would complain that – “I don’t want my clothes to get stained…” I went through those days as well. Those days went by in a lot of misery. Then a girl was born and later after the fifth, my sixth – a son was born. Then some good days came by. My husband’s mind went mad and he didn’t even leave the house for a year. I don’t know what happened. He couldn’t go to the toilet or take a bath or talk even… he wasn’t conscious of anything, really. Like this, for twelve months, I ate bread given as charity by my neighbour – ****. They would beg and bring and say – “Child, you’re sitting like this, I don’t feel good about it. Why didn’t you go to your mother’s house?” It was next to mine but I didn’t go even then. So he would ask me to – “Give me a ** separately. So whatever comes comes for your children, I will give you and I will give you your khichdi ((a salty porridge made of rice and lentils) and bread separately.” Seeing my situation, everyone even in their home was troubled. They would ask him – “Why do you bring her bag and take food for her?” I would ask – “Don’t you have children of your own?” He would say – “My children will have what’s in their fate and yours will have what’s in theirs.” and he would bring for us… We lived through those days as well.

Some days passed, after the son, one daughter was born. They left us in the hospital itself. Even after eight days they didn’t come to visit us. The eighth daughter – I already had seven children, this eighth one was a daughter, again after the boy. So she was born by an operation. Nobody came to check in. Even though my mother stayed for four-five days and then she also left. I would lie there alone and that ** hospital is still there, and the tiffin would come from there only and we would eat and sleep and lie there. On the twelfth day, I came to my house. Nobody asked about me whether I was doing okay or not… Those days also passed by. When the good days came, what did they do? My mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law? My small child – **** – five years old… I don’t know what crap they filled their head with but they said – “She wears a burqa and leaves from here and makes some excuse and leaves, who knows where she goes and comes, she comes after so much time…?” They kept saying things like this and feeding her father’s mind – he died that’s good and I am here unfortunate, whatever you want to call it, I’m sitting here and I’m talking to you so much. He passed away! Left me for twelve years. One rupee – when he was well, I had scraped up and settled three houses in Chandola. Bombay Nagar- Bombay hotel in Faisal Nagar… I had bought three flats there… Even though all the money was my husband’s not of any other stranger. So what he said was – “Promise me that this does not contain anybody else’s money no, that you’ve bought and kept all this…?” I said – “You work so hard, you sweat, you toil and I save up your earnings. If I brought money from elsewhere, wouldn’t he come and ask – ‘This is my money, why are you doing this for your husband…” to saving my dignity in front of everyone… even then he left… He neither gave me any money for support nor for taking care of the girls… I had arranged for the wedding of two of the girls and he told me to tell them that their father had died. Even then I went to call him for their wedding because it’s necessary for him to be there, so that the girls don’t feel like their father is not at their wedding. He would say – “They are not my daughters. They are your daughters. You go.”

Two of my daughters were married away and then I faced health issues of the mind, and even then they didn’t visit me in the hospital or anything. Then after two there are three daughters and one is very young! And behind her also two daughters. So who would look after what is happening with them or not, if I am at the hospital? Somehow, doing something, I got those girls also married. For four of my daughters I took help from people like you and me that… somebody would give me money, somebody would give me food grains, somebody gave me two sets of clothes. And somehow I got them wedded. After that they got the son married and I thought they would invite me and through that I could live with them again but they didn’t invite. When the two girls got married I went and begged my sisters-in-law and everyone to… He said – “No need.” When they planned my son’s wedding, my sister-in-law told my son – “If you invite your mother, we won’t come to your wedding and we will move away.” They did this and left. Then I took my girl and went roaming in Kankariya. For the first time in my life, I went out like that, at that time! Then for sometime we sat there at Kankariya and who’s heart can bear it? For sometime, we sat there and then we came back home. The girls were like, whenever they heard the sound of wedding drums – “Do you think brother’s wedding procession will come here?” “I don’t know, child! Whether it will go from here or there, who knows?” Nothing happened, he didn’t even come to pay respect, my son! When his son was born also he didn’t come to tell us. When he had a second son, not even then… Even today my son is like that, behaves as if he doesn’t know us, if I saw him at a distance, he would say – “Salaam.” and walk away. My daughter – the one in the burqa? Her aunt’s daughter is in my house… **.

The girl’s wedding *coughs*, we’re ill no? It got canceled. At the time, they all said – “Don’t invite her… don’t invite here…” My sisters-in-law came meddling – “Don’t invite her!” So I told my girls – “Go check on your father, there is no noise nothing, haven’t seen him… I don’t know if he is well or not… Go check on him.” When my daughter went to check they said – “Your father has taken ill and he’s been admitted in the hospital!” And so we all got out and went. We went there and her father is sitting there admitted in the hospital. The treatment is going on and all of them are sitting – my sisters-in-law, my nephews and all – and eating khichdi and whatnot. I went in straight away and seeing me, he turned away his face. Such a big disease has come of **, so nobody came near, everybody went far… At that time everybody said – “If he comes back to you now, you don’t keep him.” I said – “He was useless but if I have to face God after I die – if had to do something with him, I could have done so much with him but he left me and six girls and left… If I didn’t do at that time, what redressal can I ask from God since Allah has already given him such a terrible disease! What is there in my fate ahead, who knows?” For twelve – at least for one and a half years I kept him and served him! And the in-laws started coming no, they would say – “You have separated from this man no,don’t come in front of him. Even if he dies, **.” I asked – “Which part of the scripture says this?” I don’t know and I’m not even literate, but I could feel which part of the scripture says something like this?

This is something I learnt from my sisters at the organization when they would come with a puppet show – they had started a puppet show at one time… so through those shows I learnt about sanitary habits and they would come to teach us about toilet habits – ** etc. Slowly slowly, after going out with these people, my life started opening up. After opening up, all these things happened and they said – “Remove him, throw him out.” I said – “No. Then, what difference will there be between him and me?” “I won’t serve him, the girls are there.” I said – “My daughter is there, I have faith, my daughter will do it.” That girl served her father. In the hospital he would stay with the eldest son so at night and he would take a 500 rupee note for that saying – “I’m staying with you all night no, so give me money for my day.” We were two – mother and son – me and my younger boy, we were there lying in the hospital all day. He would sleep on the bed and we both – mother and son – would just be lying there… But when he died, we had to make his ** they asked for 50,000 rupees! I went and said – “Give me 50 now, I will give you 30,000 and then after that…” so he said – “Look at the **…” I said – “No issue.” They took me to the operation ward and asked – “What happened?” “They’re telling about everyone and what is wrong with everyone, why are they not telling what’s wrong with your father?” He said – “You didn’t give the full money no?” I said – “In front of me you just took the money!” He also told the doctor to say that he doesn’t know me, he only knows the son… This way I spent my days with him… No matter how much I say, it will be less…

But I am most grateful to the organization for my sisters, my girls – I’m so indebted and thankful to them because I’ve been able to go out this way and I’ve learned and understood all these things so today ** I’m sitting here and give others the support saying that – “That somebody will support us, strengthen us, that belief is of no use. Your determination, your courage, your strength is all for you! If anybody can weigh your external burdens, they can share it. But your internal burdens can never be lifted or shared… even the one who gave you birth can’t share it. Not even the one who married you can share it.” I tell all my mothers and sisters that I pray to Allah that whatever I have gone through should never inflict any body else… even if I have an enemy, that enemy shouldn’t experience these difficulties. And if these difficulties are given then also give the strength to bear it! Like I’m sitting here even after such terrible diseases – **, I’ve had two heart attacks. And this hand of mine doesn’t work and this leg… but even then look at me, I’m sitting so well! The ones who give me hope are my mothers and sisters from the organization, who work there, these people kept me going out of the four walls of my house and I received a lot of support through that and I am grateful that for the rest of my life till my last breath I will say – “Everything I’ve been through, I have forgotten all of it.”

But whenever a time comes like this one, then it feels like all of it happened only yesterday. Even today my mother doesn’t call me to talk to me well. Why? ** How many days will she call? Till when can I take her strength too? Difficulties are for us to face no? Today you will take me and keep me for eight days – four days, after that I have to come back to my house! So then why should I share my sadness with you? My sadness is with me! I have six girls, I’ve somehow managed to marry away three… but I had made such ** that today my youngest is married, has a second child, the in-laws are good to her… Some relation of theirs through whom I married off the second girl is now back and sitting in my house. And another girl who’s married off in ** – two of the girls were married at the same time – she – the eldest one’s husband is mad, even today she’s at my home… she works hard and makes papad (a crisp made of lentils) and sells it and does sewing work on the machine, and she takes care of her own household. She is not dependent on anyone for even a rupee. And I am also carefree now, carefree because I work hard and pay for my own medical expenses, and I can’t be a burden on anyone else. You can’t expect someone else’s efforts and strength… as in for how long? I am firstly grateful and owe a debt of gratitude to my sisters at the organization – I used to be within four walls and now I am out walking around without a burqa no? I am living a really good life. Otherwise, I used to leave wearing a burqa and when I started coming and going in the organization, I started feeling – “No, I have to give an answer to this as well…” – I’m talking about a time when because when I wear a burqa, my husband said to me no – “She goes with anybody in a vehicle.” You can anyway not identify someone from under the burqa so if I go freely and someone finds me, it will be fun to respond. I said – “If you have the strength, come follow me around in a vehicle… and pick me up from wherever I am! If I have it then I will be fearful no? So he can’t catch me like this no! If I roam around and he catches me then… ** I’ll agree you are a real man. But I wasn’t like that and you walked away doing nothing, you went above to heaven… and left me behind in a place like this…” Even today nobody – my sisters-in-law, nobody, comes to my house, nobody… He died and left his shop behind to them so they should have come and served him no? They would say – “We don’t want to get his disease!” I used to eat from his plate and drink the same water. In the same cup we drink tea. Even the children **… *coughs*

Now to you my bravery, my strength from my organization’s sisters… I got out and so I got the strength that I can live on my own terms. ** Till I didn’t leave, where would I have found the strength? Nothing… not of anything now… Earlier there was a lot. Till I didn’t know all this, so I faced many difficulties and suffered such terrible diseases no… I wish I could have found these sisters who give me strength, earlier on! Then I wouldn’t have gotten this complicated disease and my home wouldn’t have faced such destruction! And if my mother and father had let us go out, if they had let us sit somewhere and if I could be there and listened to some good things from someone, I wouldn’t have had to see these days… I believe the fault lies with my mother and father. Earlier, if I sat somewhere with someone, someone would say – “Oh she’s like this, she’s standing with someone like this, doing all these things…” and those people believed it and destroyed my life. ** Somehow they got me married off and left me… A mother of eight. Thank god seven of them were born normal. Then the eighth one, I almost died giving birth to her via operation, when the girl was born. All seven deliveries happened at home. Neither did I get good food to eat nor good clothes to wear at home. And even today, it is Allah’s blessing and your well-wishes that I am happy today. I don’t want good-bad. At the time of death, I will be grateful if I get a coffin. I’ve seen everything but I will say this that even my greatest enemy should not face what I have faced. Because the difficulties that were given to me by the one above and by the ones who are my own, ** I used to say one prayer during namaz (ritual Islamic prayers done five times a day) that Allah may give me whatever difficulties but he should also give me strength and determination to bear it and face it, that my steps should not falter and I should not fall somewhere. I would say this. I didn’t know what else to say. Yes, when I stepped out then all these sisters in the organization – equal to mothers, daughters… a lot of people come at our place like you… for trainings and all… you can understand that I got all this strength because of them so today I can go out anywhere, fearlessly. Going and coming? Now, I no longer fear anyone – that someone related to me will see me or not…that they will say some things – I can now respond to them. I have the strength for that now.

In my childhood days, studying – my parents were very enthusiastic about getting me educated. But because we were helpless, we couldn’t study. My father’s mill had shut down. Studied till 7th and registered my name for 8th grade also and ** paid all the expenses also ** but then they said that if the class teacher asked me to bring a pen… you’re talking about expenses, if she asked me to bring a pen, and at that time when I will come to your office, if you are not there, then what can I do? So ** said – “You have a big brain! You have more knowledge than even me. So you study, child!” So I couldn’t study. I told my father – “I will work with my hands even if my mill has shut down and provide you education.” *weeping silently* I couldn’t study. I grew up and turned 18 and I was married off. And I got a husband like this… I also got a useless husband. No… I just received a message… I found a husband also like this only – an alcoholic! He destroyed my life! Because of this, my life was destroyed. He drinks and comes, doesn’t give me money for expenses. I ask my father – “You married me off in such a place! Why don’t you say something?” Today they are taking on my tension. They had told me that – “I won’t marry you off. I will educate you. I will do everything.” I don’t go to my mother and say… – “See he does like this to me… even my mother-in-law says things… sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law…” Even now, this is my situation. But I am attached to this organization for eighteen years. So now I am not afraid of anyone. I have let go of fear altogether. Hearing curses, I listen with one ear and leave it out the other.

My children have grown up. One is an eighteen-year-old boy, seventeen-year-old girl and ten-year-old boy. I have three children. In my children’s life also it’s the same situation. He drinks alcohol even now, everyone in the house has suffered… got burnt in the company… so this is my situation today as well. My children, at the age of studying I sent them to work. For studying… ** *crying* Today, he studies, we tried to manage his life, even though mine is destroyed but the poor thing saw the house is in such a state and he said – “Mother, I’ll go for work.” So he goes for work. Today, he only brings me money. His employers do so much – some days they pay, some days they don’t even pay… so what do we do, madam? So I got involved in this and I’ve gained some confidence. Now my daughter’s engagement is on the coming Sunday and even today I have no one for me… I don’t have help. I told my husband – “The engagement is on Sunday. Don’t show up drunk.” The guests will come and he doesn’t understand how they will talk…That man doesn’t understand at all… Yes, I have a daughter. She’s studied till the 8^th grade. No I didn’t educate her… There was a group of girls in the neighborhood studying together so she studied till the 8^th… and the rest left and she was alone but then because society is not good so I didn’t let her study further… She makes kites at home, my daughter… The boy goes to **. He’s young, my son is eighteen years old only and the seventeen-year-old girl. And the young boy no? He is studying in the 8^th grade and taking exams. And my husband doesn’t care at all. He doesn’t have any of the household responsibilities… saying that – “This is my house, these are my children…” He has no responsibilities.

Just that when guests come, he shouldn’t turn up drunk. Like I am not afraid of anyone but this fear remains regarding my honor. For honor, I built a house – for my children I built the house. First I wouldn’t understand. I got married and had kids. Earlier I didn’t understand. Now, because I understand, after the children were born I thought of this and joined this… I joined the organization since my oldest son was born. So then I came to know about these things and then stopped having children… but **. The husband is not good, my mother-in-law is also not good… The house is nearby, she didn’t keep me in the house.This mother-in-law sits to eat, this brother-in-law sits to eat and here my children remain hungry. If I go hungry, it’s okay but when I had two young children, then… I’ll talk about ten years ago, when they would eat no, they would keep the food locked in the cupboard. So if we left, they wouldn’t feed the children. So what I’m saying is – “Your son is the one who’s messed up. I’m not the one who’s spoilt! So tell your son, why are you punishing me like this?” Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to punish the woman. You are also a woman only no? I would say – “Mother, you are a woman too no? You have also lived a life. I am also somebody’s daughter. I would show my son and say he is your son’s child!” They don’t accept me. Why don’t they accept me? Because their son is horrible. The woman’s honor is tied to the husband and if he doesn’t give me money, how will I give money to you? How I run the household, only I know!

My life was very bad. Has become very bad… after getting married… Since joining the organization, I’ve found courage and got the strength to speak and also got the strength to remain in that house… That I can survive in a house like this also! And wherever meetings take place, anything happens in the organization, in ** I am there. I go, I conduct the meeting in my house – an organizational meeting happens – women’s meeting happens of the ** people, that time I do a meeting in my house. And… and I call them for the women’s meeting too, some fifteen-twenty women come. Even girls come who menstruate, they come to get pads… I invite the young girls as well and we teach them about white discharge, about condoms, we teach about everything at my home. The girls as well and the women meet at my house. Yes, she helps. It’s all for the girls so she goes and invites all the girls… Like how people come like you madam, we host them and we call everyone and the people from ** support us a lot. They say – “You spend your time as well as share your home!” We work hard for the money and share **. Other days we work for 100-150 rupees we work at homes… When we go out, my husband doesn’t let me go out to work. “No going out for work!” So if we don’t go out, he doesn’t let us do that even… When we make kites and we go out or anything he’ll say – “I’ll burn all of it!” he would say that to scare me. “So if you are ashamed, then you earn and give and I will eat. So I wouldn’t do this!”

During my childhood, I was very dear to my parents, to my grandmother… In my childhood, even my father had passed away and I had never seen him much and my grandmother took care of us very well. My mother, my uncle took care of me really well so much that I didn’t even miss my father. My grandmother kept me above my mother even. So I didn’t face any issues in my childhood. Only after marriage I faced issues… They got me married within our relatives, distant relatives, basically. So there they kept me well in the early days but then the difficulties started increasing little by little. Now my family increased in size and I had children. So my husband’s wages were less and my father-in-law was old and my mother-in-law… I had two brothers-in-law as well but they couldn’t keep their parents. So we lived in a rented house. In a rented house, at that time, the rent was 300 rupees. So we weren’t even able to meet that. We had our mother and father-in-laws’ medical expenses… everything would get added to this, then there were the children and so we couldn’t get by with just that.

After that, after saying so much, my mother-in-law, she would spend more than what we would bring and give to her. So my father-in-law also would go to work, to teach children. So sometimes they would give me the money and my mother-in-law would fight so much with me! She used to fight a lot and say a lot. Then I got angry and even went to my parents’ house. And they explained to me that – “No, your home is over there only.” But I couldn’t stand it. Now I had never seen this behavior in my house, and I got to see it in my in-laws’ place – there were difficulties with even things like eating and drinking. We weren’t even in a position to pay rent! Now for my parents-in-law, both my brothers-in-law didn’t support my in-laws’ medical expenses or general care even. Everything was on one person now, so we… I had a daughter at the time. We weren’t able to take care of our own medical expenses and rent and such so my brother-in-law had a bit of land so we went near there to Sarkhej. So we made a house there by hand, of mud, we made half walls out of mud, added a plastic roof and we stayed there. So near that, my sister-in-law’s house was there, and our in-laws… we made one house that was smaller than this one also, and during rains, the water would come through the plastic and neither the brother-in-law nor the sister-in-law asked us and the little child to come rest in their house. We lived in one room, we were four people and one bed, we would all sleep in that. I’ve been through a lot of difficulties. There were times when we couldn’t even make vegetables. We ate bread with chilies or onions. I faced a lot of issues in those days. Then afterwards when my parents got to know of this, they helped us a lot. I never told them but when they saw us like this, they would give us grains, water and all. My sister-in-law said – “My daughter became really unwell and we needed to get medicines for her and we can’t take care of these two people as well… from our home…” I told her that – “This is the time to take care of your mother and father.” So she said – “No, we can’t keep them.” My position was so bad at the time, I used to cry a lot. They then asked us to leave that house. They had that piece of land and we could have shared but they asked us to leave from there. They didn’t even keep my parents-in-law. So then I called my mother. We didn’t even have money for a rickshaw to take all of our things. So they saw this and I told them what it was like and she asked me to leave with her, to her house in Bombay Hotel. She gave me one room to live in and bought things and I lived there only.

I lived in a smaller house than before because I could save rent by living with my mother. So I saved that rent money. Then my parents-in-law also lived with us near there. Even in that there were several issues about why I wasn’t living at my in-laws’ place. But where will we live? Now we have children and to take care of small children… Now we have no issues but at that time, we didn’t even get any job at the time in Sarkhej and we didn’t even go to work like this… After I came to Bombay Hotel, I started working with my mother and started making kites. Even my in-laws and all lived with us in that one room. After that I had two daughters and my in-laws… ** my mother-in-law would fight even with my parents… ** Then they, my parents-in-law fell ill so much and not even one of their sons came to give them any money for medicines. They could have gotten at least some food for the sick, but nothing came. My child’s father would go out for work, as in for **… he would came back in four days or eight days, so I had to take my in-laws to get medicines, even when I was pregnant, I had to help them out… They treated me with a lot of cruelty for sure. I pray to Allah that in spite of this, whatever good deeds I did, today, my children are good at studies… My children have been helped with support from my parents. They… now I have three daughters, one is in 12^th grade and one is studying in the 11^th grade. Then the small one and one boy – I have four kids of mine. The boy is still small right now. Even then, I used to make kites at home. I used to make these kites and use the money I made for my children’s studies. Then, I received support from **. I received support from **. I would say that I don’t have time, how will I come? They said – “You will have time! When you get out, then you will have time, no.” Then I found the courage and since I joined with ** and when programmes happened, I went and I learnt something from there as well – that being women, we don’t have to bear with all this cruelty and we should fight for ourselves. So then I joined my children also in this… in **… The way I faced difficulties, I will never let my children face them.

The way I faced difficulties, I will never let my children face them. Because of this, I work hard and support their studies even now, and in **, in every programme and every meeting, I send them for learning so that they can also see what’s the situation outside and how we should be. Like my life has been spent now, but if they can learn these things in the future and stand on their own feet and work hard to survive by themselves at least… Like today, we did not study so basically, we labor at home, and even now, I work at home, I make kites and I have received support from my parents for housing so I don’t have to worry about rent. Till today, I haven’t even had to pay the electricity bill and that of water too… As my children grew up, they started lending a hand in making these kites and so now I do pay for electricity and water and all… But even till now my parents never took payment for electricity and water. My parents were always very supportive but my in-laws? Never. They used to be like, because I have girls, they would say – “But you only have girls. She doesn’t have a boy. Who’ll keep them in their old age? They will go and live at their daughters’?” They would say like this and hearing this would be very painful. Then Allah responded. When my in-laws fell ill, there was no one to take them, their two sons wouldn’t help even when we were staying with them. It was possible to take care only if my husband went out and worked and brought back some money. Then, my parents took care of them, I also took care of them… As in when I was pregnant with my son, my father-in-law would urinate wherever he was. He couldn’t even stand up by himself. I used to help clean him up and do everything. A lot… See through prayers to Allah, I even got a son through their prayers. Allah has given me a son through their prayers.

Now, I’m just worried about my daughters because my husband fell ill. He has had this issue. I want that my daughters should study further and work because they have to also be married off. We have to get them married, engaged. The eldest has been promised within our relations only and the engagement is left to do… For that matter, there is not even a rupee left to do the engagement. Even then I have faith in the Almighty, that somewhere or the other, Allah will find a way. These days, we don’t have enough to save even 5000 rupees for an emergency. I’ve put in most of the money in my children’s education so that at least tomorrow, these same girls will at least support us… they will support us. My girls tell me – “You’ve faced so many difficulties trying to educate us. We will support you. We’ll study well and we’ll work hard. We’ll get a job somehow and do something on our own, for sure.” But society asks – “You teach them to read and write so they can get a job and you can feed yourself through that?” But do we think like this to feed ourselves at our daughters’ expense? We want a better future for them, so that they do not face difficulties like this tomorrow. I am worried about both my daughters. One of them is of age to get married but she says she wants to continue studying. Both of them will study. One finished 12^th grade. Another is in the 11^th. That’s that.

When I was young, I didn’t know this, but my maternal grandmother used to tell me that my parents used to fight a lot. One time, my father beat my mother a lot and so my mother left me at my father’s house and went to – went to her parents’ house. So since then, my father’s mother raised me – so after that when I grew up a little, my aunt raised me. So then my father married a second time. My mother – my mother also lived in the same lane, a little farther away but they weren’t living together and their divorce had happened. And then my mother also married a second time and my father also married a second time. Then she also, the second person who came, I used to call her too “Mummy” and she would also keep me well yet it felt weird. But still she stayed. Then my father said – “It’s okay, let’s bring your mother back.” so my mother divorced whoever she had married and my father also divorced whoever he had married and then they started living together. Even then I didn’t live with my parents. I lived with my aunt – my aunt kept me. I stayed there for a while for a year – two years I stayed, and it didn’t work out with them, they didn’t take good care. So then my father brought me back to be with him. I lived with my father. They used to take good care of me but from time to time, my father would drink a bit and when he drank a bit more, the same fights would start and he would beat up my mother and would say any bad things.

So again, then my mother and I started living in a different house, on rent. That was our own house, we left that and started living on rent because there were issues within the family, so we started living separately. Even then – my father was ill and a lot of money was spent and his health improved and he started drinking again so… it’s a matter of a few days ago only, my mother asked – “We’ve spent so much to improve your health, so why are you drinking again?” So he again started beating my mother and started – you can’t even imagine – he would say such horrible things to her. So my mother filed a complaint at the police station that – “He’s not becoming better even now…” so they took him. We live in my paternal grandmother’s house only, right now, and my father doesn’t live with us. I am nineteen years old now, even then my mother is talking about my marriage and so I feel scared seeing her itself, that how can I get married? I don’t want to get married at all now. I don’t feel anything good – when I see in front of me that someone understands me and keeps me well, we never find anyone like that. Till I find someone I like, I won’t get married. So then everybody forces at home – my mother, my uncle – “No, you have to get married within our caste and…” because everyone tells my mother – “You live separately and if there’s a young girl who’s come of age at home and her small brother… so when you live alone and if something happens to her…?” Everybody keeps saying this… Even then my mother keeps me and says as well, so there’s a lot on my mind but when some friend comes here, my mind freshens up a bit.

In our caste, from eighteen – once you turn eighteen, they get you married off. But I don’t want to get married right now. Even with someone I like, I don’t want to get married right now! But my mother brings all these boys – “He is good, he is rich, he will take care of you.” she shows me so many boys and if I say no, they retort with some bad thing or the other. “Why don’t you want to get married?” So once I told my mother – “Stop looking for all these grooms. Whoever I like, you meet him once.” So my mother never even met him. She knows he lives here only, even then she didn’t even meet him, didn’t even ask where he lives, at least she should have asked me something like where he lives, what he does… She didn’t ask me anything. On the other side, she started scolding and saying – I know how to sew so I also used to work at a job – so she stopped me from that. I had bought a phone with my own money, she broke that even saying – “No!”. So all my freedom was taken away – “Don’t go here, don’t go there!” didn’t allow me to leave the house at all. They all keep roaming around after me. *laughs* they keep saying, scolding.

So I go out and talk to him even now and I don’t want to get married and told my mother – “When you – I want to make you happy and then only marry him!” but she won’t even listen to me. Because in our caste, marrying someone of another caste – if they are of a different caste – is not allowed, they say – “They are not good people, they will beat you. They’ll keep you well now but when you become a mother, they’ll say this and that.” they say like this. They keep scolding whenever I say I don’t want to get married now. “Definitely not anyone from another caste!” they’ll say.

His mother and father are really nice. They say – “I will come to your house and peacefully talk to your parents.” so my mother refuses that even, she says no out of fear. I also feel afraid because even if he comes home and talks nicely, the people at home will scold him and do other opposite things. I feel afraid about that too that if he will come here and because he wants to speak nicely about these things but my mother will misunderstand that – “How dare he come all the way to the house itself?” She will misunderstand!

He is a ** – a Thakur and we are ** so they say no. Caste it’s a bit like this… But he’s a human only no! I’m not saying I want to marry a donkey or a goat, no! I’m not even making a fuss. He is a human. I am also a human. And he is also good, from a good household! Only recently, two months ago, his mother passed away, only a few days ago, so there are only two people in that house. He works well at a job in SBI (State Bank of India). I am currently not that well-educated but his character is good so I’ve told him that I don’t want to get married now, once I become a bit more mature, educated even, then I will marry. But my mother is in a hurry *laughs* to become a mother-in-law.

I will try to convince her that I will do it with who I want to do it with but I will make you happy and do it and not elope secretly. If I had to elope, I could have run away a long time ago but I don’t want to make you – my mother – sad and do it. I’ve seen everything – how my mother has raised me – all her ** I’ve seen all that, because of which I don’t want to take any stupid step but I will make her happy and marry whoever I want to. They won’t agree now but they will agree in some time – one year, two years, five years… till however many years they don’t agree, I will keep trying to convince them.

When we were living on rent, an aunty lived across from us. She was also a Muslim – her name was **** aunty and my mother would also go to work and my father would also go to his job but aunty would take care of me. She would take good care of me. If she made anything, she would bring it for me. Even if she bought something small for like 5 rupees, she would bring it and give it to me saying – “The child will eat.” So she would take care of me very well. But when someone is good, so then people outside they think – Hindu-Muslim are all one and all are human only. We only have created Hindus and Muslims but everyone is a human only no! So just… everyone is a human only. Everybody separates and fights with each other and then make us also fight in the name of religion. We shouldn’t fight and we should tell them off. They want us to keep fighting but we should understand that we are human, they are also a living being, we are also a living being, all this creed and caste we only have created. So we shouldn’t fight. We should live and live together. At our place, Mandvi is there and during festival times, something or the other happens. Everybody is scared of going over there. Everybody knows that if we take a rally through here, something or the other will happen. Even if we somehow secure it and go through that route, even then someone will do something. Even some few days before there was a rally here, and there was a small incident where somebody pushed somebody’s bike and in that stoning began! They said – “See this groom, see that groom!” so I told my mother that – “Don’t look now. You meet whoever I like because you will bring all these boys and I will reject them directly then it will be awkward and so before that you itself say no, no!” At home, even our own people don’t let things move forward and don’t let me put my own points forward. This is wrong. They never listen to the one in front of them on what they want to say, what they have in mind, they don’t even listen to that. “No I did this so you will also have to do this.”

I worked at a job for three years. There, everybody is a woman, only ladies come there and I would get along with everybody. I even had a favorite there – her name- her name was **** didi. All of us there were only girls as staff but our boss alone was a man. He- he would get along with her well. I worked for three years and left after that. She, she told me recently that that boss of ours no? She had relations with him and he has been blackmailing her a lot and she told me this only recently. She is getting married after so many years and she looked at many grooms but it wasn’t getting to marriage and now when her marriage is being finalized, that uncle, that uncle blackmails this didi. She said no but he forced her and using photos he blackmails her now. The complaint also, we- I told didi that and we can go to file a complaint so she – her wedding date has been announced and so didi said that – “If we go to file a complaint now, and there is the wedding atmosphere at home, so if the police comes home then what will everyone think?” Now she is scared from the inside herself and she’s not able to release herself from the situation also. She was coming after many days but her wedding is now on the 12^th so she wasn’t able to come here. I told her twice that we should go and talk to him once and find out what they want to do but she wasn’t able to come. “If I go, they will think the opposite of my reputation, and I will be dishonored and I am getting married after so many years and it will break.” Her father also has been unwell these days and that home will also break. She has young brothers and sisters, their grown up but all are younger to her. So she’s the eldest and she’s afraid that should she go to complain or not. That man is married and has children even. For these ** so many fights happen! Now the whole factory has emptied out. He alone runs the factory… Earlier everyone used to run the factory together. Now he alone runs it and nobody even goes to do sewing work there. ** Not with everyone, this – they were both in a relationship and didi had said earlier on that she doesn’t love him but the uncle liked her a lot so uh… he said that now, later, he did it with her and she had said no to being photographed but he clicked photographs and sent to his brother over WhatsApp. When the wedding was announced, till now, he was not blackmailing but once the wedding date was announced, over WhatsApp to the brother – not to anyone else, he sent it to his brother and a friend over WhatsApp, he sent the black- he sent the dirty pictures to them.

She is getting married after so many years and saw so many grooms but they would reject and now she is liking this boy and the groom also likes di, and this guy is harassing her. She also admits that she made a mistake, di understands that she also made a mistake but he should not blackmail in this way no, she says like this. She wasn’t able to work anywhere else also but she doesn’t want to work after marriage. No she doesn’t want to do a job but now she is in need of money because for the wedding… so now she isn’t able to work anywhere else also because of this fear. ** He is a Kathiyawadi. And she is a Gujarati and Parmar. He also is a Kathiyawadi and calls himself a Parmar.

I am from Maharashtra, from Sangli. So I’ll say a little bit about myself. Hmm… My- I am from Karnataka. I was born in Maharashtra and my childhood… my parents’ condition wasn’t as such good regarding money, we are in a bit of a poor state… And at home, my brother and sister… our family is a bit big so, we couldn’t study in school much even… Our parents couldn’t send us to school. Got me married early on. Got married- married at fourteen years itself. By fifteen years, had a child even. So where I got married, there, my husband’s situation wasn’t that good. So after getting married, we had two children – one boy and one girl. My son was five years old and my daughter was one and a half years old, when my husband died. After he passed away, my mother-in-law was with us. So two children, mother-in-law and me, our family was like this. After my husband died, I had to work so I started going out for work. I was going to work at a hospital and I wasn’t paid much there, not much salary… It was difficult to run the house. There was a woman near our home. I knew what she used to do. With other women what all… as in women… uh… as in they were friends those women… so this giving clients and all, I knew from the beginning, that she does that… and I had a good relationship with her, used to speak well and all. But she had never said anything like this to me till my husband was alive, till then… So she saw my condition and then she told me – “****, I have a client like this… and will you do it?” So I told her no in the beginning but then I had a lot of difficulties with money so I told her – “Yes, I’ll do it.” So she gave me that client. I did that work. After doing it, I got one thousand rupees for that work. So for me, the issues with money were sorted a little. Then, I only started going to her saying – “If you have clients, give them to me.” so she gave them to me. So this work, the work I did in the pharmacy, I slowly started reducing my time there and this work, I started doing it. So I started thinking that like there are other jobs, this is also a job no? Sex work – this is also a job and it pays money that doesn’t come in other ways and I get so much money so I’ll choose this only. So I chose sex work then itself. And I made the choice but hidden, not openly showing everyone in society, I couldn’t do it, why? Because I live in society. I live on the threshold of society.

So when I was doing sex work, the ** people on the field would come and we would go… there is a garden and we would go sit in the garden. There was a Wednesday market and during market hours, we would go sit there. And other women would come, those who were our friends who do this work, they would also come there and meet with us. So they first introduced us to each other, earlier we had never told that ** lady about our profession and said some false name. Other women had told me that – “This is a woman from an organization and you shouldn’t tell her anything.” and they told me like this. “She takes information…” they told me like this. The first time around, whoever got the wrong message about them, about **, those women told me like this so I could never speak openly in front of them. I would say a different name, I would say a different address. I used to do like this. So if I said lies like this, even then that lady would never leave me, that ** lady no? She would come and meet me again and again. She would come and meet me again and again. “Do you know about H.I.V? Do you use a condom? How do you live at home? Does anybody know that you do sex work?” This she would come again and again and ask me. And again and again, she would ask me a lot about my health. So I would think – “This woman is coming again and again and enquiring about my health! Even in my house nobody asks about it. In society nobody else asks about it. So why does this same lady from ** come and ask me all this, about my health?” The one I do sex work with, that woman never asks me if I’ve used contraception or not used it, never asked like this. “Do you have white discharge?” Nobody asked me like this ever but all these things that ** lady used to ask me. So I would think – “Why does this women ask me all this? Why does she ask like this? For me, there must be something good for me, that’s why she’s asking…” And she would ask me about H.I.V again and again. “Did the condom break ever? Was there a time, that you did not use a condom?” So all the things by which H.I.V can happen, she gave me all that information. So I told that lady – “Okay, I’ll tell you my name.” After two years I opened up in front of that woman, that ** lady. I said my name. I said where I lived. My everything related to my identity, everything I told in front of her, truthfully. So she said – “There must be many women like you outside. So you yourself couldn’t open up to us early on and there must be a lot of women like you, so would you like to work with us?” The meaning of **… whatever ** does for women, they explained everything to me and I also liked that. “Yes, there’s something for us here.” So with them… “Will you work as a Peer?” – they asked. I said that I will think and tell them. Even for that, I took some two-three months and said – “I’ll tell today… I’ll tell tomorrow… Yes okay, I’ll come.” I said one day. So they asked me to come to the brothel. So I said I won’t come to the brothel. If anybody saw me there, so what will people think? That I am a sex worker! “I won’t come.” So what did she say? She said – “You wear a cloth on your face and come. Come once and meet us. Meet the people there, those who work there, meet them. Meet once in the office.” So I stealthily went once and sat in the office. Spoke to everybody. Everybody was Kannada. Everyone was mine… I am also Kannada. Everyone spoke Kannada and everyone spoke with so much love so I felt really good. Never received as much love at home, as much as I received here. So seeing all this, I teared up and I felt good. And, and, it felt good but then I felt fear about the society. Society… I would come here and meet these people and society will see and what will society think? One was a big fear about society also. Then like this slowly, slowly, slowly doing this, those people – the ladies from **, explained everything to me – that how society sees us, even if we do work only, through which lens…

I knew a lot about society, from my childhood itself. I lived near the brothel only… So there, from my childhood, I used to hear about the women in the brothel – how they talk, about the women… “They are prostitutes, they are this, they are that. This and that.” They would verbally abuse these women a lot. Then my fear was that whatever people said to them, they would say the same to me! So they – the ladies from **, explained this also to me, a lot, that society sees us and says it’s this and that… So doing like this, doing the work, I started. For four years, I didn’t get involved any meeting or anything, I didn’t take much interest and get involved. Again and again I went for trainings. Rules, rights, laws – I started going to trainings about this. So I started understanding – “Oh this is something for us…”, what all rules apply to us. And what other rules are applied to us… All of that I started understanding. “Yes, there is so much!” And those women who hide and do sex work outside, they don’t know anything about these things.

So I started meeting these women and telling them all this. Like this, now the work that ** is doing, the work that we do – 5,500 women do this work. I started working among these 5,500 women. Now the work that ** is doing, about women’s entitlements, rights, violence – they work on that… And whichever women do sex work, she should know about her entitlements, she should know about her rights, she should know about her health. So ** works on all of these things. So our… we work among 5,500 women, in five districts. There is Kolhapur, there is Sangli, there is Satara. In Karnataka, there is Bhagalkot, there is Belgaum. So we work among these many women. So if there is any event, there is any march, if there has been any injustice or torture inflicted on us, so we all get together and do this work. What is our work? To organize. Whoever is a sex worker, we organize them with us, join them with us and support them in every type of thing – if there is a problem in their house, if there is a problem outside, if there is a problem with the police, if there is a raid conducted on them – any type of problem they might face – if there was violence or torture inflicted on them – so we give them support in everything. Even in good things, if she comes and asks for support, we provide support, we support their children… And we have our Mitra Hostel as well, for our women – for the women’s children. So our children are also there in the hostel – a lot of children are there in our hostel. So they are from Karad, they are from Maharashtra, they are from Karnataka. All our children study there and well, now our children are engineers, studying to be doctors, doing nursing courses. Our children are studying well. Our only dream is that after this, our children study well, live well and the lens through which society sees us – us sex workers, our sisters – so they see us through a lens of goodness, and the work that we do, the sex work that we do, it should be seen well. Other people have their own work, every person does some work – whether they make paper plates or do some big company’s work, or any other work, so the work like the work they do – just like that this is our work! So it should also be accepted, this work. And there shouldn’t be… uh… it should be accepted as “Sex work is work.”.

So where I work as a sex worker, it should be recognized and our place of work, the place should be safe. Just like other places are safe, our place should also be safe. And when we people do sex work, so the clients that come to us, these clients ask us how much we charge and we tell them our rates… So any type of clients come, someone who’s good, then someone who’s drunk, any type come… We only take clients that we like. He will say – “This much money.” We’ll say – “This much money.” He’ll say – “No, no, it will be this much money.” That won’t work. Whatever rates we offer, whatever we say, you must give only that and go on. If anybody goes inside, a client who comes inside with us and the rate was fixed just now and he agreed and if after going inside, if he forces you during sex, if he pulled or did some such thing, then we can also say no to him. We say no! It is our choice, whether we have to say yes or no! So this is there.

I love having sex. From earlier on itself, as in from when I learnt about sex, I was in a married relationship, from then itself. Society says that a married woman, when a man marries her, she should only have sex with him and she should never have sex with anybody else. So, I used to listen to society, but not in front of them, but behind them… I had a boyfriend, when I still had a husband. I love sex a lot and when I say a lot, I mean a lot! And now I’m a sex worker, there is no question. I take whatever client I want and like that I have sex. I like having sex a lot! That I am a sex worker, it is a matter of pride for me and I really like this. This work, it is my work. I am very, very, very happy with this work. And I like it a lot. And being with the ladies from **, I feel really good. It is like a family for me. Now, I can’t live without my family… I can’t live at all. And if **** wasn’t around, I don’t know what would have happened! If I never met these ladies from **, I don’t know what would have happened today, I don’t know where I would have been and in what condition… Today, after coming to **, ** has taught me so much, has said so much… so much… I am standing on my own feet today! I didn’t even have enough to buy a bicycle back then. Now I have a two-wheeler. I bought two-wheelers twice – bought two two-wheelers. Anything that I need now – mobile, this and that, children’s education in a good way… For the children, now my son wanted a mobile so I got him a Rs. 20,000 phone. I am also educating my daughter well. I have done well with the house as well. I am very happy, I am very happy in this work. Greetings…

So, I live with the brothel’s women as well and I live with the society’s women as well. Where I live now, I live in Gharguti area. So, I’ll talk about sex and those women. Sex. I have lived with them and I have spent time with them and I have a lot of friends among these society women who live on the thresholds. So, they, they like sex a lot but they don’t get any sex at home. They don’t get it from the husband. Husband… How is the husband? The husband goes out and does it with every other woman and comes back so what will he do with the woman here? The woman who will, at home itself, will have sex with her brother-in-law, will have sex with her sister’s husband, or will have sex with any guy in the neighborhood… These days, with the aunty… uh… aunties are well liked by guys so, this system is happening quite a bit these days. So – “That aunty, she looks fantastic.” So aunty also needs a guy only no. She wants sex. She’s not getting it at home. So she goes there. This is how women on the outside go outside and have sex. So men don’t see what their women are doing, where she’s going, with whom she’s having sex. “We’ll go outside… we’ll go with the sex worker, have fun and come.” And after coming back home – “My wife is so good, my wife sits at home, my wife does this, my wife doesn’t go outside home…” they see this. But what the woman has gone behind him and done, they don’t see that. And after coming back home – “Oh that prostitute is like this, that prostitute is like that.”, they come and curse us, while sitting at home, in front of those other women. But what their women have done, whatever they have done, they don’t see that. So this is the society.

My name is **** and I am a sex worker and I’m with **. I am the National Coordinator of **, which is in Delhi. We work for the human rights of sex workers. We believe sex work is work. We fight for each right of the sex worker, for their children, regarding any laws and rules imposed on them, we fight. We work for their health and wellness. All of their rights, like it has been said in the Constitution, that every human being has a right to live the way they want to live, the way they want to be, the way she wants to express herself, we fight for sex workers’ rights according to all those rights. And we always believe that we need to be free of the label of criminality. Sex work is decent work and whatever is made regarding us, be it a policy, any new new policies or new new procedures and rules, should be made in consultation with us. We say marginalized communities – we need to be integrated within that. When we speak of gender, there too wherever there is an opportunity, sex workers should be given the opportunity to present by themselves about sex work… this is always our policy. When we talk of sex work, only sex workers should speak about it – whoever wants to speak about sex work… We don’t want that others speak on our behalf. Because we do the sex work, we live in the brothels, we live in the streets and do sex work, what exists with our clients or not, what issues we work on, and what all problems come our way, what all abuses we face from the police, from political leaders, from goondas or goons, policies or any certification like voting cards and Aadhaar card… in every area, whatever problems that happen… Like when we go to the doctor at the Civil Hospital, the disturbances we face… so for all these things our ** works in eight states of India, we work against these problems so that no one can take away our rights from us. It is our right and we will have it, and all the bodies that are allied with us like the brothel owner, and those who are called pimps, or the way our clients are criminalized, according to ** or even Section 370A, we oppose all those things and we will continue doing so, till we can fully decriminalize it. Not only legalization, we want full free decriminalization, because we want that – we know how the brothel owner maintains us, and pimps, how they secure us **… Wherever we work, our work environment needs to be safe and it should be secure. We also work against the stigma we face whenever we go for any check-ups at the Civil Hospital. And all this stigma, discrimination, violence that exists against sex workers, we work against all that. And ** which is working at the national, international and ground-level, if a person does sex work – female, trans and male sex workers are the ones they work for – those who are adult and voluntarily, with consent, engage in sex work. This is an alliance of all of them and together we move forward and we have published a lot as well, like how recently regarding the Trafficking Bill, we have opposed like even in shelter homes, we have talked about what kind of shelter homes should be there and how we need to be supported in these shelter homes, like someone has to go there or someone has to be rehabilitated, but that kind of framework does not exist for sex workers… They are forcibly sent to shelter homes and labeled – ‘Changing of behavior’. What does it mean? What does it mean ‘changing of behavior’, we have been fighting against this since forever and we will keep fighting.

And there is also this thinking that the community itself should lead. Sex workers should themselves lead, sex workers should stand for their own rights to fight for themselves in every area, wherever there are sex workers – in India – their rights should be given to them. This is our movement and we join with other movements as well and have done quite a few national campaigns, the way I want to say like – “Country is mine, issue is mine, vote is mine” – we were present in that as well and all the violence that happens against women, even against that this national campaign was given solidarity and we try to move forward with all of these movements. Because we are feminists, we think like feminists and we think that it is our right to choose sex work, to earn income through sex work and to take care of our families, since this is according to our interests and so the ** is a place where mostly voluntary sex workers have come together and we are against trafficking. Like we don’t believe sex work and trafficking are one and the same thing. There are differences between them and this framework that has been made believing that sex work and trafficking need rehabilitation, we are completely against it. And we have our self-regulatory board even, wherever our communities exist, in India, in every state, we are against human trafficking. We do not want that any girl under eighteen years of age enters sex work, especially after being trafficked. Because recent – because we want that – we have a lot of experience where a Nepali girl had been trafficked and we helped restore her back to Nepal from Sangli and we have done a lot of things like this. And we want that those who want to come to sex work, they are coming with full consent and interest and are of age, it is a very important thing. And uh… um… this… uh… um… we believe this is a right. And accepting sex work is… um… uh… the work of sex work uh… um… if someone wants to leave sex work even, then they should have that autonomy, is something we believe in. And when like the trafficked girl even if she is above eighteen years of age, if she does not want to do sex work, it is her choice. She has full rights not to engage in sex work if she does not want to and can exit. This is our – **’s principles that entering and exiting sex work is a right that should exist.

And ** works at the national level for the rights of sex workers, and all the consultations that happen at the national level, we try to take part in them, we work for CEDAW, we have also made many submissions for CEDAW on violence against women – in education, health and on rights… human rights… in every area – every area – right to food, ** right to income, right to safety, safety – safe city, we have supported that too because we believe that sex work is our work and we view it as a job and we are doing sex work out of our own interest and there should be acceptance of that and this is how we have been going on. It is a practice in ** that we fight for the rights of sex workers – for human rights, and the biggest thing in all of this is our community of sex workers is coming together now and we are fighting for our rights and the way in which… and we are reaching even the Government and till the Government, we are doing advocacy with them like at the state-level stakeholders, the way we see the police, the Collector’s office, health in the Civil Hospital, then District Legal Aid Society, about HIV awareness… and we have been doing all this advocacy work and we will continue to do it and we want that people recognize us and accept us within this Constitution. We want the visibility of sex workers… it has been shown that sex workers are oppressed women, that mostly the media people and the literature people who write literature and stories, whoever is there in India, they have portrayed sex workers in such a way that – “These poor people, these oppressed people! That they are always surrounded by a lot of problems and they didn’t have a choice or an option and so they chose sex work…” I’m sorry, this is wrong! Many times it has happened that *coughs* quite a few people interview sex workers but they don’t write what sex workers are saying and they present something of their own… We oppose this also, quite a lot, because you should ask about the life of sex workers from sex workers only no – sex workers only do sex work no? They know what happens and how they live and how they are at the ground-level… So all these hi-fi people who write about us and who talk about us, we speak up against all of this the most, from every direction. And I will talk about rehabilitation, so what happens with rehabilitation is that the shelter homes that are there for rehabilitation, that *clears throat* is for a lot of categories of people like orphans, for people who don’t have anyone, for people with disabilities, but when it comes to human trafficking, why are only sex workers pointed at? I think trafficking is not only about sex, trafficking is like – a lot of things are swirling around about trafficking that it is only about sex work but that is not the case. Trafficking happens of bonded laborers, of domestic workers, being sent to work abroad, for driving camels, for beggary, for housework, for factory work, for garment factories, they are sent to big big factories to other countries, so their human rights are violated this way. But rehabilitation centres that are there, the module and everything points only at sex workers and we are very against this. Because going into a shelter home is our right and choice and among us sex workers, a module has been prepared that you will raid on brothels, and after the raid you will take her to the shelter home and make her vulnerable and the rules according to ** you will apply the laws. We are very against this all because we know and this is why we do advocacy with the police, at the state-level. We want that when we have our own self-regulatory board in our own community, then when you receive news that a trafficked girl has been brought into the brothel area, in the hotels when raids happen, so we believe that since we have our organization, why don’t you ask once in the organization? Why don’t you ask the sex worker that who has come new here and who hasn’t come? Day and night their homes are there, what kind of modules you make and order raids? You violate them and separate them from their families and you keep them in some rehabilitation centre? This is a very extremely problematic thing and because of this many of our women, our sisters’, our mothers’, our friends’ lives have deteriorated so much because of these kinds of modules and we as ** are very much against it.

I am from the forest caste – a Van Gujjar. We people have been living in forests only, from generations and generations. We are not supported or bound by any other city or village as place. And we people have come from our roots in Jammu, around 300 years ago. Around 300 years ago, we set out from Jammu & Kashmir seeking pastures for our animals, because we had cows and buffaloes, to get **, we had come to U.P. (the state of Uttar Pradesh). Now, 300 years ago weather it was U.P. or what, I don’t know but we Dehradun, Land’s Down and **, Saharanpur, ** Bijnaur, when there was no Haridwar Division, when there was no forest division for there, and Bijnaur, Tanakpur, Haldwani – in these foothills, having taken permission from the forest department and having paid security i.e. surety… that has been deposited till even now in these offices.

Now there was the rule of the English, the British government was there and we people were there grazing our cows and buffaloes and in this way, we lived in the jungles itself. Our marriage, sister, daughter, all of our relationships have been with the forests. None of our relationships are with a town or village or city. No one is our relative. Okay, so we call it a dera (settlement) because the forest department doesn’t give us any permission to make a pucca (permanent) dwelling… According to the forest officials, forest laws apply here and everyone is not given this permission. So this is why we are helpless. Time kept going on and on and on… Age is now today around 70. My grandfather also – there is a ** cemetery which is very famous here… of us Van Gujjars, you can see… and the graves in it, in **’s cemetery… there is a forest headquarter also there – there is a range. Right next to it there is a **’s huge cemetery inside the ** jungle. If nobody believes it and forest officials tell us today – we people have come from Jammu & Kashmir, it’s like our graves there which used to be made there, those who had the means, they made their ancestors’ graves in a permanent form. They made mausoleums with bricks after taking permission from the forest officials saying – “See this is our grave, our grandfather’s grave, it’s a symbol of our memory of them and we want to make it this way…” So they gave them permission. You know like a pillow, like Muslims have… I got the pillow made and their name, when they were born, when they died, which jungle he was from, what time he died, which date, which year it happened… this can be seen by going there today, on the marble stone… 1938, 1942 and 1947. **, when actually ** is dense with forests. There is no village, population no Muslim location there… Nobody lived there other than the Van Gujjars… Then there was another cemetery – ** it is also called ** – it is also a huge cemetery. It can also be seen there. After that there is a **, that has now come within the Rajaji National Park, there is a cemetery of us Gujjars there also – because aside from Gujjars, nobody even lived inside the forests! There was no village only! So this issue kept going on.

We people – after that – we people we started growing our own fodder and grain. Fodder-grain as in somebody on 2 hectares, somebody on 1 hectare, somebody on 1/2 hectare… because in that, in the summer some fodder is sown and then ** water comes in the monsoon season during which somewhat some fodder is grown using which we began to feed the animals. In 1980, the forest department stopped whatever our fodder was there – which we used to grow with our ploughs and oxen… by giving us an order under the Forest Protection Act of 1980 – “See now you can’t grow fodder, you will not grow anything!” So we were forced to stop doing that. We people don’t have formal education, we are illiterate people. We don’t know the law, we are unable to place our concerns forward in the right ways in front of someone saying that – “Why are you stopping this thing of ours?” So time went on… The animals were okay. The milk was okay we were doing well. In the meantime, these same people from the forest department granted licenses for outsiders to hunt. Whatever conversation is happening around animal conservation in the forests and is happening all over the country today, the issue of forest animal conservation – so in 1967 or 68, for rajahs and maharajahs, it’s about the time of the British and by procedure, you were given the permit for hunting… So, okay we have no issues with that but, a lot of animals were killed at the time, after which they got clear felling done of our natural forests, the leaves of which were eaten by our cows and buffaloes, they did clear felling and in 1967, what is now in Haridwar division used to be in Bijnaur division, all of it was cleared out! All the trees that were in our village were finished! After that I don’t know what all, eucalyptus and several other plants that our animals can’t eat were planted – things which cannot become fodder… After that we faced a lot of difficulty, the animals started dying out, they started reducing in numbers and then there was a shortage of milk… After that, these people made many plans to settle us from Tanakpur to **, if any capable official wants to see, they can see. I have records that at the first instance, in 1976, there was scheme by the name of **** that was brought out. In that, they said that 24 colonies will be built for Gujjars because these communities are marginalized and their children are marginalized and something needs to be done for them as well… So they settled six colonies and that was it. Then some colonies were settled of the people in the Park, some people were left out, some people were settled, some of the families among these groups are still stranded in the jungles…

After that, in 2006, Forest Rights Act came, in 2006 – where they created a rule that people of ** years or people up to three generations have papers, they can make their claims. Oh but from where will we get records? Records are with you! We don’t have records with us! We are illiterate people. You – you give us our records! Or you tell us which city we are citizens of! We are living here since the time of our fathers-grandfathers… Some people have records but all people don’t have records but all people are in these locales and when we are getting records from 1880, it proves this only that Gujjars had come here a very long time ago from Jammu… But nobody is ready to hear our voice, our issue… Neither our government, our Central Government, nor our forest department… Today, the position is such that where we live in the jungles, but toilets are a matter to think about… Our daughters-in-law and daughters are there… there are elephants and tigers all around us… Now there is such a need for toilets, what can man say about the system?. If at night, he has a stomach issue, where will he go? If he got out of his house and the elephant is standing in front of him…? A lot of instances like this have happened near my house, I can give you the record. Elephant – they went at 4 in the morning for namaz (ritual Islamic prayers done five times a day), the old man, he went into the jungle for toilet and the fact is we can’t just go right there – even we are human! As soon as he went, the elephant caught him and thrashed him.

So today, we have been repeatedly requesting this that, we only have this request from the government and whoever are our officials, whether they be political, governmental, that we people be settled in one place – water, electricity, school be made available to our children… education… because we are also citizens of Hindustan. Hindustan is also our nation. We Van Gujjars, how long will we suffer like this? Our fathers-grandfathers they died! They have spent their lives and our lives have also passed away… We also want that our child – cannot become SDM or DM? Our children can also become SDM and DM – can serve the country! But how can they do it? He will play with mud and apart from playing with the mud what can he really do? Here the schools are 20-20 km far away. In the jungle, in the rain, among the animals where will we **. So madam, I just want to say this that our matter – to those who are responsible, or whoever is there of our country, our Prime Minister is there, **** – he’s a good man and there are many more people who are sitting in the Lok Sabha or sitting in the Vidhan Sabha, our voice should reach till there. Till when should the Van Gujjar community suffer? Because limits have been reached! Now we people, we people also are part of Hindustan’s culture. You know how they say the bird has become **? So we also are also part of Hindustan’s culture – Van Gujjar. You will not find us in settlements like these. You won’t be able to see – the rich people who come see us and our settlements… at least our lives need to be saved … our children **? And the question of our daily livelihood, our children may receive education because society has changed so my only request is this that all people – whoever is responsible for us, for Hindustan, may settle us. And with this… this is what I wanted to say. One more thing I wanted to say, which I missed – that all of the Van Gujjar community that is there of ours, all of us don’t migrate, everybody doesn’t go to the mountains. There are around 10 percent people who go up to the mountains with their animals for a three-four months to Uttarkashi or elsewhere in the mountains. Even they have their full permissions from the forest department, nobody goes illegally. But the remaining 90 percent people are displaced, and they live in one place in one settlement, and the remaining 10 percent still migrate. This is the correct point. May it not be understood that all the people or all the Van Gujjars migrate. This is wrong and there is proof of this, I can tell you, it’s not that I am saying anything wrong to you, you can see this… whatever you want to do for us – survey or anything, can be done. Thank you.

I live in Dehradun’s Rajaji National Park at ** and my community is that of Van Gujjars. We are from the Gujjar caste, the ones that live in forests and we are dependent on the forests. Our sheep, goats, cows, buffaloes, horses are dependent on us. Okay, so their things, the milk and all is used and sold to meet our needs. And we people, during the winters, we live in the base of the mountains like in Dehradun, Haridwar, Saharanpur… and in the summers we go to the Himalayas. Now, some of us stay here permanently, some people keep going and coming off and on. But, earlier we were slaves of the Whites, and now we are slaves of the Browns/Blacks. They are saying India is independent. This is wrong. India did not become independent. If India became free, it happened in 2006, which we accept but even that the Browns/Blacks have appropriated. Browns/Blacks among the westerners have taken over. Ruled for two hundred years, so now whether **** stays or Congress stays or whoever stays… Okay, so I don’t have anything against any party but what we are against is the Brown/Black westerners are oppressing us. First it was the Whites, now it’s the Brown/Black westerners. So now us, the poor people, who are not literate, it’s being said by law to give us rights where they are but there is nothing like that. Brown/Black thieves… although I also understand that the White thieves, they were thieves and then they ran away. But now Brown/Black thieves have to run. There is nothing like this. But whatever difficulties and issues we are having to face, it doesn’t seem fair at all. In no circle, in no humanity is this acceptable… Our children, our girls, none of them are educated. Why not? Someone doesn’t have light, someone doesn’t have a house, someone doesn’t have a toilet, why not? Are we not citizens of Hindustan? We are also Hindustanis. We are also humans. We are also born of humans. Our ancestors have been around way before the Mughals. First, the Mughals oppressed in their rule, then the British oppressed, now Brown/Black westerners are oppressing us. Okay, we want to find a savior who can relieve us from these miseries. I’m going to end by just saying this.

Yes. Madam, the Van Gujjar raises animals, cows, buffaloes, goats. Some have sheep as well… okay, yet, the Van Gujjar is not a ** etc. Any of it! And the forest department officials are there, these people, like the National Parks etc. they have made, so these people – the provision of the Government is that Gujjars travel through the jungles with their animals and they say thieves have settled in these forests. Okay, if any higher official comes with me to Rajaji National Park, so what is happening there I’ll show the thieves – they are the thieves of the forest! And the Gujjar takes care of his jungle because he has knowledge of the animals and the forest. Okay, our forest… like today, the weather is so hot, mostly, on Sunday, the drains have water flowing through them. The domestic animals, they too, and the other animals, they too drink it. Like the Gujjar does **. And you see that **, you can take photos as well, that our cows and buffaloes and the deer eat the leaves together, live together. In case, tigers and all come in the jungle, so they immediately run to where there is a settlement of the Gujjjars, and come and stay near there. And if madam, if you go or if a city man goes into the jungle near the animals, the wild animals don’t trust and the Gujjars **… they see the Gujjar, and understand that the Gujjar is of our forest, and this man is from the outside. Yes? Now these people, what they say or think that the Gujjar has, any cow and buffalo, some Gujjar doesn’t let others come into the jungle… they think badly of him. And today, all the Gau Rakshak (protector/care-taker of cattle), our government… Okay, protect our cows and buffaloes itself, give them fodder, some grains and grass and give them the jungle no! These are the Gau Rakshaks! On one side they are the Gau Rakshaks and on the other side, these cows and buffaloes are all being murdered because they can’t get pasture and they die! Our animals are dying in the hundreds. From Rajaji National Park, the leaving of the Gujjars has been hunger on the margins… Why? In their jungle, the animals have gone out and ended up dead. In a jungle where there used to be forty animals, now you will find only ten. So this is only because of the Government that has become the so-called ‘protectors’ of the animals… Is there a difference between the wild animals and the cows and buffaloes? They are also animals, these are also animals. Remaining is the Van Gujjar. False cases are put upon the Van Gujjar so as to evict them… Now, in 2013, in ** cases have been filed upon innocents. Okay with the cases **… They filed useless charges and **** was the Chief at the time… I spoke with him and asked – “What have you done?” He said – “Brother, was helpless… There was a pig and the pig and tiger fought and ** saw the law, it became a helpless, 19 of my officials were gone…” “You care for your 19, do you have a thought about anybody’s children?” So these kinds of officials are there. These are the rotten English and these rotten English have made a clever move to evict the Gujjars from the jungle. Why remove them? Because these assholes, want to make palaces **… They are collecting wealth by selling the wood from the forests! Later they set fires ** etc. So that’s it madam… what can I say? This is the story of my life, from the time of my fathers-grandfathers, so this is not going to end any time soon, but whatever atrocities the forest department is doing with Gujjars, that doesn’t happen anywhere! Forest-dwellers, leave the Gujjars also – Adivasi people be they from Chattisgarh or Jharkhand, from Rajasthan, from Himachal, from Uttarakhand, with the Adivasis of all of Hindustan, atrocities are happening, atrocities are happening! Just, this thing…

When it comes to fear… these Forest officers come to break things on the roof… so I get really scared. I get so troubled that with eating-drinking… it was a year ago when the incident happened at my wedding. I did not eat the day’s food yesterday… on all the days the Forest officers came to break things on the roof… I didn’t eat because of the fear that they would demolish our household and we don’t even own the land… where will we live? Our children are really young. Where will we live? Where will we go? If we had gotten land, we could have kept our children somehow uh… we could have lived by ourselves… somewhere we could have settled somewhat. But they removed us from the land and they’re not giving us anything and they are evicting us just like that. So fear is fear. So we’re thinking… in front of you we have put up this canopy, we’re afraid of this that we don’t know which time they may come and demolish and leave. There is fear regarding this matter. So… because of this I have a lot of anxiety. In the morning I heard that the Forest officers are coming and because of that reason I get tension… that they’ll come and they’ll demolish and leave, what’s the point? We spent at least Rs. 30,000 on the canopy so if they come break it all off today, where will we go and live? There is a lot of tension regarding this issue. They say tension… tension… this is the most tension I have. I’m also afraid of elephants. There is tension…

Like we’ve been living in the jungles since childhood so I don’t feel like leaving the jungles. Only if we find a home, then only we’ll feel like staying… So where do we stay? The biggest issue for us is this, there is no other issue that’s bigger than this. We live here so our heart is in it that our place is here, our children are here, we are staying here from our childhood, we don’t feel like going to many places. We just want that if we can settle here, then it’s good. These Forest officers force us. They’ll come now, now it’s their voting time, now they come less… When this time is over, you see just after ten days, they come here and what all happens… They’re saying the Forest officials now… we’ll see them after two-four days that where the canopy has gone. So till the matter doesn’t get resolved, till then the fear remains. I am very afraid of this thing. That is why we’ve become so weakened, because of fear… I don’t understand people say – “There is no shortage of housing, food, water, any things… then why are you so weak?” I’ll say – “There is nothing it’s just this matter where I can’t hold on to my senses that when someone will demolish my household.” and without a house, man is useless… any how where will we live under the heat, where will our children… Once the children’s education wasn’t even happening… now there is something, if we find a way we can educate our children, write, seat them here, where there are no facilities, what do we do over there? Today there, tomorrow here… Like those poor people living by the banks of a river, those people in informal settlements, this is our situation so here we like living and it would be good if we get space here… They didn’t let us live here also – the Forest officers – give us land at least somewhere where we can live and build our households and it can help in our children’s futures also. But what… there is nothing about us, nobody is thinking about us. These many people came and listened and went away and we haven’t received anything even till now. My mother, she had received some land – 12 bighas (a traditional unit of measurement of land) – my father had died and we were six sisters and two brothers remained. They got the land and she settled there.

There are many among us, poor things, who don’t have households, nothing is there… households and all… nothing… everything is over. There was a girl at our place like this, nothing is there, only a girl is there at that place and if a good place is available, she could settle no, and keep her children there itself! Like one day here, one day there, who will take care of them? When men can’t take care? And we are also troubled by this issue. Just one plot my sister has received, in which there are four brothers in it and four of these… Those four are staying but we are just left like this. We thought that the Forest officers… we will get something at least. But we get nothing. First, the Forest officials say – “We will give Rs. 10,000. We will give 5 bighas of land.” Now everything is over and nothing remains. The officials say – “We’ll remove you from here? What do you have of yours here? There is nothing!” Are we not permitted? From so many years our childhood has passed in the jungles. We’ve been living in the jungles from before I was born, I don’t know from when… Our grandfathers and great-grandfathers have been living in the jungles. So here also, for me, it’s been around 13 years. How much I like this place, I don’t even like it that much over there in **… I like living here very much. What to do? It’s our compulsion that no one is letting us stay here. Something will happen, someone will demolish your household and everything how would you feel? At our place, they come and demolish during the day around 12 pm and leave. But if someone in front of us made a canopy to live beneath, they would come again and break it up into pieces and leave. They would create physical altercations. We would say – “Leave…” they would say – “Move behind.” and they would bring ladies police. Women. They would bring women. With the women, they would bring… women can’t do anything in front of women. “We will bring ladies… we will do this… we will do that…” What was there? There was of course fear. I feel so much fear even till now that if it was time that the Forest officers will come today, that day my appetite will completely shut down, from morning till night. From today morning, we are hearing that the officials are coming by this time and I am not hungry for anything. I’m thinking oh they haven’t turned up by this time… so we stay awake all night. After waking up in the morning it will be this thing only again that who knows what time they will come at! I can’t go to do the laundry, I’ll be so scared that maybe the officers will turn up to demolish the house… I can’t go anywhere! There is fear that who knows, they might come to the house behind me. They come and throw all our things and stuff outside… they break the canopy and physically hit people … boys.. The Forest officers have even been violent with the girls. They even hit one woman. She was a very old woman and she received a hit with the lathi (police baton) here – on the hip. She got hit by the lathi and then she also raised a hand and what do the ladies do? Ladies can’t do anything…

At our place, there is no one who is literate, they don’t know how to speak and all and we are illiterate people. We’ve been living in the jungles since our childhood, we know nothing – what to speak, what not… We are very simple people. We have… we only have a problem with the Forest officers and there is no other difficulty. You might think oh what kind of tensions we might face but I face no tension at home, there is no tension about the house. The children are fine and everything is fine. Just this tension remains… Yes, that they will remove us from our homes. Who knows where they will dump us… in a place where we can’t find water, where will our children be? When do humans know… what do humans know about our timing? One doesn’t know no about life…? When what will happen… our children are somewhere, who will look after them ? If we live collectively in some place among ten or so houses… collectively together. When there is no place, someone will go somewhere and others will go somewhere and how will we live in one place?

It’s like this and and they don’t let us go into the jungles. They stopped us from going into the jungles. Just fodder and all is gathered here itself. ** Fodder and all nothing! Earlier, we used to bring leaves from the jungle ** we’d make the ** drink them, our time would also pass well. Now they are not letting us bring anything from the jungle, they’re not even letting us go. Just that there is ** fodder and from that we have to feed… If there is not enough income at home, then from where will we feed? When I used to go into the jungles, we used to have this much that in our jungles, in the leaves and the bushes, all the animals could graze and come for free, for four-five months. Then we would go down to Bijnaur and we would stay there. Time would pass this way but now farmers have stopped us there also and they have also stopped us from the jungle. It’s been three years. Where do we stay? Tension is there about this matter. A lot of tension. I just wanted to put forward this issue in front of you. Think about us as well. What will your work be regarding this? We are not even saying that the Forest officers will for sure give us land so we can go! No, we’re just saying let us stay where we are. Let us be here as is! They’re not letting us stay here. They’re not even giving us land. They are forcing us! Without even allocating us a place as ours, as if we had nothing of our own – they’re telling us – the ones who have permission since childhood they’re saying they do not have permission. They are telling us. It’s been so many years since we lived here and we have permission but they are evicting us even then. Where will our place be? Where can we stay? There is a lot of tension regarding this matter. Everything else is fine.

Yes, we all live together. From childhood we have lived together in one family only. The wild animals don’t say anything. Where we live, they live with us only. First we used to live above in the jungles and they used to live with us. Then we came below and they came with us only. Where we will live, there only they will live… in the jungles… They can’t live alone. It’s like this. No, they don’t disturb us. They eat… they live.. they don’t disturb us… There was an elephant here for sure… so we were staying so elephants also stayed here. If we don’t stay here, elephants won’t stay here either. Where will the elephants live? They can’t live alone. So when we used to live in the jungles, the elephants lived with us in the jungles. Now we left so now elephants don’t live in the jungles. Whatever animal stays, only if we live in jungles, they will stay there. Like, we left the jungles and came here, all the animals also came here. If we live in jungles, they will live only above in the jungles. These people ** say that – “These people do this… the Gujjar people do this and that…” We do nothing! We can’t really do anything! We have our own difficulties of being… what can we do about others? They just put allegations on us saying that – “They did this, they did that…” why? This is the work of getting us out of the jungles. There is nothing really! They’re just empty allegations. We are just simple people and we only have a relationship with our animals and nothing else. Our bread and ** we don’t steal we don’t have a business of selling animals like yes, yes poaching elephants for ivory… these people have created all this drama with false allegations just for the reason that they want to remove us from the jungles. Earlier, two of our boys were like this only caught up in these kinds of allegations. One managed to get out and one is still caught up… They put false allegations just like that. Like people have to be removed from the jungles. When this matter goes forward, the Forest officials get upset with us.

Yes, all the animals live with us only! These small animals, the big ones all of them live with us only! Where we stay, they’ll stay there only. You stay here at night and see in the morning, see here in the morning how many animals are there. Because even animals are scared when they are alone. Where humans are there, they will stay only there, whatever it may be. However many cattle we have, there are more animals than them living here… So that much space has been emptied of animals in the jungle. We are staying here, they are staying here. A lot of damage has happened where we used to live above, the panthers would have eaten a lot of our cattle – these wild animals. Now because of our staying here the wild animals are not eating anything here… At night, they live here and there around us and during the day they come. Ours are there no… Yes, they all come and sleep here, here and there… They sit here during the night. In the morning, like we will wake up and it’s still dark and the moon hasn’t sunk, they get up and leave. We also think they are wild animals and we should also support them, because they only have our support, that’s why we sit here… that’s why we are not staying above in the jungle. So many you see in the morning, you will find so many here – wild animals. Click photos of them and take with you. A lot of good ones. It’s nice to see also. These jungles officers are thinking… See, our staying here is not causing harm. We are staying fine here… in the jungles and all no, our cattle and whatever wild animals are there, they are not facing any difficulties because of us staying here… We left and they would face more difficulties. So we used to get water from above so at night even the elephant could drink and whatever animals were there, they all could drink water. Otherwise the water level has gone down under the land and so all the animals, how will they drink water at night? They can’t drink anywhere! ** where will they live in the jungle? So we would take out water and keep it, having dug a nice hole and everything, with wood and ** and all the animals would drink from there at night. In the day, our cattle would also drink there. It used to cater to our cattle as well as for the other animals. So now where will they live above if they don’t get water then what will they do? Can man live without water? Man can’t live anywhere with thirst… Man can’t live, how can animals? So this is the issue we have from which we face the most difficulty that they are removing us from here.

We have been plain-dwelling since childhood, not up in the mountains. From before, my in-laws used to go and then I came here. So before that they went there… Since I came it’s been 13-14 years since I saw the mountains. I don’t even feel much about staying in the mountains than living in the plains. Because of this… we don’t go up… Those who go up those people go and I say good for you… not for us, it’s not good for us… The mountainous region is actually nice but there is tiredness and weak people can’t walk. It’s good for whoever has the strength to roam. All the work happens because of strength. So we like living here only, if they let us stay here that is… If they don’t let us stay here… we will have to leave then… if they remove us by force… Yes, I feel anxious in the city. My heart is not there in the city. Like I go to Dehradun to buy medicines, so I don’t like it in the city. How much my heart is here and in the jungles, that much is here at home. Because my childhood was spent living in the jungles and a habit has formed around jungles so we don’t like it much in the cities. I like it in the jungles. Here we have these many houses and all, it’s good only no… it feels good here, it remains cool here, it’s a good place to stay for going out and all… Everything is good, so where are there any facilities for living in the city? If we can have a place of our own then it’s fine, without a place, where do we go? They’ll throw us on the banks of the river, like that… In the last year, the flood took our buffaloes in the waters… In the river, people say – “Why don’t you leave? If so much loss is happening because of the river.” But loss keeps happening even inside the jungles. If you face a loss in the city, you’re not going to be able to restore it no? If we face a loss inside the jungles, we don’t have problems. Because however much we lose, we can regain by freely eating and dwelling so if we live in the city… we can’t feed… the time will be over.

We take really good care like they are our children… We don’t think – “These are wild animals, why are they sitting here?” We think that they are our children. They live with us, they live with our support and so they sit here with us. We like that they stay here. If they like us staying here, why can’t we like their staying here? We like it very much. Whichever wild animal comes it brings us support like it’s a support for man. There is support in this. We can live alone in the jungles but we can’t live by ourselves in the city because we don’t know what kind of humans live there. These wild animals, what fear is there of them? There is more fear of human beings. There is no fear for us from wild animals. Just, I wanted to put this issue forward before you…

I belong to the Van Gujjar community and for now we are living in Rajaji National Park’s ** Range in Uttarakhand. Today I want to discuss at length that Van Gujjar community is that community which lives in a communal way with family and animals in Uttarakhand’s vast forestry, who are only dependent on the jungles and think of animals as their own… Around 1,20,000 people in Uttarakhand are of the Van Gujjar community. The history of Van Gujjar community in the past few years has been that of traveling with their animals from one place to another. They used to go to ** where the forest department imposed certain rules so a lot of people have changed their migratory routes. They started traveling through field-type locations like the people of Kumaon ** is one place for fodder and they have started going there. ** people – there is a place called Bijnaur, ** it’s called, they go there. There is a separate specialty of the Van Gujjar community, as compared to other communities in that the culture is different and our eating habits that are there – our costumes – the rituals of our marriages, all of that is very different. Because like I have seen very little of this among us **. Our people get married in a **, like my sister will be given to him and his sister will marry me – our marriages are like that. In the marriages that happen among us, there is no practice of the dowry system. As a dower we just give the girl buffaloes and – we give cows or buffaloes. And second, whatever food is served at our weddings is traditional and the whole thing is made by us as a community, here itself. Second, the weddings that happen in the jungles… we don’t have generator and electricity facilities at our place and we don’t use generators also because it disturbs the wild animals and we use the gas lamps or that ** so as to not cause disturbance to the animals.

The questions that I feel happy saying is that the name of the community – Van Gujjar, it’s because we are related to the forests so we are ‘Van Gujjars’. We are actually Gujjars. There are many things within the relationship between the forests and Gujjars… Because the Van Gujjar is there from the foothills of Uttarakhand to the Himalayan peaks. The conservation of these parts has majorly been done by Van Gujjars, that is its history. The other thing is that a very good example can be given, even today, regarding the animals that are there – the wild animals and our relationship with them. In a lot of places, the local forest department displaced Van Gujjars and moved them to other locations and we started living in different parts. At some point in time, there used to live a huge number of wild animals there like does, deers, elephants and leopards and all, tigers. In this way, a lot of animals, we people used to live in the mountainous regions. There used to be quite a large number of animals there when we were there. So when we were sent to different places like **, **, all the animals came there. We can tell you two main reasons for that – one is that in the high hilltop mountains where we used to establish our settlements called huts, there, people used to create a water facility for our animals, which is called ‘suta’ in our language. It was really big and for water where animals used to bath and drink. Because during the hotter seasons in the mountains, the water dries up everywhere. All the animals live around the watering hole and would use the water. The second thing is that, we people for the animals – the place where they eat… it’s called ‘twala’ in our language. So the ** that’s leftover in the ‘twala’, the elephant comes enthusiastically to eat the salt, the deer comes to eat the ** and all of these animals (however many they are), they live around this. In the same way, the other birds like peacocks, all around us peacocks and the red jungle fowl (also called the wild fowl), they are found around us in such a huge number that you can’t even count because at the **, it’s the peacock and the fowl and then there is the oriental pied hornbill that is very rare in these areas – they are found a lot near our homes. The water and the food for animals – I understand wild animals and if they don’t find it they seek hungrily for salt. For our animals, we make the arrangements of salt for our animals once in a week from scratch and they come to eat that during the day itself.

Another is the conservation of the forests. Where we have our homes, they are inside in the deep, dense forests, very inside, away from the roads. People who hunt like poachers can’t reach us. If we see them, we complain directly to the forest department and the police. The second thing is that we take our animals far inside the forest for grazing. The whole area, no matter what kind if it’s a critical area, it’s a dense forest, people take their animals far inside… and because we keep roaming around, there are no poachers to be found inside the jungle. The third most important thing is the forest that is there… it has the medicine tree, the government has… there is a ** grass, it’s very detrimental to the jungle and and it’s most destroyed by our people. It destroys our jungles so we destroy them in the jungles, when the forest department spends lakhs of rupees to destroy it, it still doesn’t get destroyed. We have different techniques so when we destroy them, we pull them out by the root and we pull it out from the bottom part so that it doesn’t regenerate again. In its place, in our language there is a plant called basauti – we plant that so that gets destroyed from that place once and for all or by putting **. By planting the **, the dense forest grows and there is cover for the wild animals to hide behind, the elephant eats ** very happily and second like ** it’s grows as a plant and when it becomes bigger, we place it in a gunny bag or a polythene bag and sow the seeds and keep them in the jungle during the rainy season and it becomes a huge forest. So the relationship between the forest and the Van Gujjar is like that of a bride and groom. And even today, wherever there is a Gujjar, you will find a dense forest made and maintained…

The lopping that we do – we create two parts, we leave two parts of the tree and one part is lopped from the middle. The growth of the tree increases and the plants below it that has thorns and that inhibits the tree’s growth – we remove it so that it becomes plain from the bottom. Another is the animals – our cattle. Their dung provides a lot of fertilizer and we put dung in one place and during the monsoon, the dung spreads all over the areas quite well and in that place there is a lot of grass as well which the animals can also eat. Then the thatched roofs of ours, it’s naturally built like a hut – made of grass. And from grass, we – in many places which are grassy areas, the forest officials burn it during the fire season. We don’t burn it, we cut it and we put it on our roofs. And inside our roofs, today this goriya bird, which is… uh… it’s called a sparrow also, because it’s becoming extinct everywhere… In whatever number it’s found in our homes, it’s not found in those many numbers anywhere else! On our roofs, there are at least 300 to 400 nests at a time. They stay well at our place and where we eat food, they come with our children. Sparrows are being conserved at this time in large numbers by the Gujjars. You can see from the Gujjars’ huts. And those animals that are endangered, the dangerous types of species like tiger, leopard… there is a place near ** called **. At the moment, in that, 40 people have been hunted and killed by the leopard. It’s very close to the town, to the village… Our homes, as you can see are surrounded wholly by dense forests. But in all of our huts, none of the huts ever have a door, windows are not there… everything remains open and we live in the dense forests. Till now, there has never been a case where a leopard attacked any Gujjar’s child because animals identify us very well because of the relationship between wild animals and Gujjars. So its that our relationship with the jungle, and all the experience we have of living inside the jungle – because I can also tell you right now – however many plants are around me – they have names in my own language. And this-this-this – what qualities this tree has, I can understand very well and all the people can tell. Because the medicines that we use today, or like even today, only 20-30% of Van Gujjars get medicines from outside because of helplessness. Otherwise, we use the things from our jungles itself. Like if I have a fever, this creeper’s leaves are diluted in water and I drink it and powder – like how people use powder? For children, we use the cow’s ashes in powder form. Like this we use many different things!

So from the jungle we have our livelihood, we have to save our relationship with the forest this way and we have a relationship with the wild animals as well. ** when they attack them, they run in groups and come straight to our homes. I can always come and give you a good example of this – see how many animals are found in the evening! And also, where many people used to live, even there, you can see where we live – elephant, deer, leopard and all. And they don’t create issues with our animals. So this is the matter of the relationship between the forest and the Gujjar. Then, the most saddest thing is that today, we are in the nation that has been independent for almost 70 years. But it’s a shame that how many other such communities are out there that are still not experiencing independence. The issue is that after 70 years, we haven’t done this much that during the British rule, we were taking permits legally and now that is being denied. We are not getting our rights from there in any form. Forest dwellers in 2006 dreamt that we got independence in 2006… because a law comes in 2006 – Forest Rights Act, in which it is clearly written that the people who live in forests – the forest-dwellers, they have experienced injustice. So it was a happy moment and at first, we Van Gujjars celebrated thinking our day of independence is here. But the state of Uttarakhand is such that none of the Van Gujjars are recognized as forest dwellers. But under the Forest Rights Act, the laws and rules of the forest rights, it’s also clearly mentioned that – “Where forest dwellers reside, are residing from before 13 December, 2005, they cannot be ousted without due process.” In Uttarakhand, from before 2017, around 2047 families – during the days of the cold – during the days of December when it’s cold, children, wives, animals were ripped from their rest and 2047 families were removed from Rajaji National Park’s ** range. All the houses were demolished in ** range. 51 people were dispossessed from here completely and that too during extreme cold season. In Haridwar’s ** range, around three-four months ago, there were at least three women there who were widows who had their homes there. All of their huts were demolished, their roofs torn apart and they were thrown on the streets. Just like this every third day, ten days later, twenty days later in some place, Van Gujjar houses are being broken apart. The Van Gujjar community that is here is illiterate, is unable to understand their own rights. With whatever they could, through correspondence, letters, media etc. their voices were placed but no kind of hearing has happened yet. It’s a pity that the country’s education laws, health laws and every community is being taken on the path of progress in this country but this community – I am not saying that like our community is there, apart from this there may be so many because India has so many such communities that are taking an educated path forward through development in the country… The laws are working, schemes are working but even today, for a Van Gujjar, the lettering from a (in hindi) to abcd to anything is still a distant dream. I don’t think even after all these years, education will reach these communities, it’s a massive pity… Then there is the matter of the health system within the government, there are many things about it. But in our places, if we talk about health, even 108 doesn’t come home… Any health facilities being given to society, none of them in any way are received by us. Other facilities like widow pension, there are several pension schemes… Any Van Gujjar community that is living in the forests, till today they are not getting pensions. The biggest question is also this that in many places, in many places – the situation with health and health services is like this. Then, if you talk about pensions, we don’t have any kind of pensions. Then the matter of our cattle and their veterinary needs… and all those things – there are loans, there is no kind of – for animals we have to go to private doctors and we use our own experience. And like today’s situation is such that we people, the biggest environment project being done in Uttarakhand – in Uttarakhand all the rice crops… I hear about it in Haryana and Punjab, people burn it and it causes environmental pollution and they have been prohibited from doing it… In our Uttarakhand, even one piece of straw is not wasted because every Gujjar no matter where he is, now there are Gujjars in Haryana as well – Gujjars are given straw at a good price by the farmers… From the point of view of the environment, there many more such examples that I can tell you any time.

Then all the animals we have – in India, every animal’s breed is made a note of, for  keeping a record of its authenticity. Our animals are not considered authentic because they will not be found anywhere else in Uttarakhand or even the whole country. Till now our animals are not on the list. Then our pure milk and our butter and all that ghee, butter etc. cannot be sold in the correct way because how the government creates a society for selling these things… no such facility has been provided for us. And we haven’t been given rights of any kind. If you eat a meal in the evening, we have so much fear that by the end of the day, our home can be broken down that the forest officials can come and break down our homes any time… The biggest pity is that today, in this country, in this ‘independent country’, people are living out of this kind of fear. I had never even imagined… I went and I received education, after receiving education, I have seen in this country that progress and education and where society has reached… and how much society has developed and what is there in those societies… so after understanding this, when I paid attention to my society, even today I sense that India is independent but in independent India, there are some communities that are not independent, in the present. From our place there are many big ministries… they use us saying – “You people give us your votes, we will make policies…” but after almost 70 years… after 75 years also, there is no policy that speaks for our community’s development or is associated with our progress or in education… Today, if my child… if a Gujjar child – who comes out of this community to receive education, neither is there any kind of subsidy for us for schools, private school, private ho- hostel and all we don’t have a financial condition to send them there… The weakening of our economic situation also has to do with the fact that in all the places, our occupation of animal husbandry has been prohibited. The Van Gujjar has skills related only to animals and the forests. He doesn’t have any other type of skill. The forest department and other such authorities of the government have placed restrictions on animal husbandry and dispossessed us, Gujjars have been removed from forests. By removing us this way, where in one place hunting and felling is happening… there, what has happened is that, we don’t have the means to do any other work or business or anything. The trouble is this that if I do animal husbandry work, then tomorrow I have to drive a vehicle – that is not possible for me! I can’t do skilled labor because I have never performed that kind of labor so I am only dependent on my animals. In today’s world, several families are starving because of this, they are near Haridwar’s ** region… We had a very good culture, a very historic culture, ** was there… In today’s world, saving our culture is not possible. As much as I could, I tried. I did a small correspondence to the Hon’ble Prime Minister. Some letters come. My question was, because after sending several correspondences, when the hope inside a man fails… I said it was for protecting the culture and aesthetics of Uttarakhand and that kind of work has to happen. Otherwise, the Gujjar will not be able to protect his foundation nor his culture. So a reply came that – “Your letter has been sent to the DM in **.”, when actually no Van Gujjar lives in **. So there are many things like this as well, so it’s that however many audiences who listen to my recording, so it’s a request to them that you come and bear witness to Uttarakhand’s Gujjars’ everyday existence… And I feel, like how we understand ourselves, what we are going through, I understand that this must be happening to other communities as well, so it’s a shameful thing…

In Uttarakhand, whatever I understand is that there are two very big sources of revenue – one is that of tourism, whether it is eco-tourism or several other types of activities be it trekking, camping and rafting and all these things. The second is that of **. But the biggest specialty of eco-tourism is community but this community can never incentivize it. The biggest thing is that within our community, within the Gujjar community, from handicrafts to many other things, our women make several different kinds of work – they make thick mats, they make ** by hand, there is a turban for the head, that I see foreigners really like it… There are 20-25 things of this type that used to be made by our society. There used to be a time when we used to live together as a society, society was interlinked and women and with good relations with each other, so there are several specialties like this… So that, slowly, those things never got sold and if these things would sell somewhere outside, those things can be obtained very well from our place. Another thing is that the most experience that we have is of the jungles of Uttarakhand. Today I am seeing that some national parks have been made in Uttarakhand. These national parks attract large numbers of tourists like jungle safaris and all… When here in Rajaji National Park – even though I am of Rajaji National Park, here whatever research projects have taken place, and those researchers needed the support of Van Gujjars and two-three boys they got all their projects made and the experiences they took (I was also there in one of the fields) so they had a very good experience… Now today birding is a big thing in Uttarakhand. For us, birding… our 300 – 350 species of birds that are there here, that migrate, in our language, in scientific language and in Hindi language, we know them very well. Then our medicine trees, medicinal plants, we know what all qualities they have within them and where they can be used, how is it useful from an environmental perspective and what can people derive as benefits from it – this also we know very well. Then the track like walking trails are made in the jungle, we have the whole experience of knowing where the tiger is moving and where, where any other animal might be moving… we understand it very well. And we can do this very well. Like there are so many birds that we can understand what they are saying… we understand it very well like ** these kinds of many examples are there. So, taking tourists, whatever is being profited from tourism by the state, if it’s benefiting Van Gujjars, our children, our women, it will be a big benefit to the government as well as this community that is struggling with finances, and our specialty can be spread across the country and abroad then it would be good.

Earlier, we people used to live in the jungle in these big, big mountains of Uttarakhand, we were permitted, we would go on the mountains as well. Here, we lived in jungles that were in the Rajaji Tiger Reserve (that the government has made). So our occupation was of animal husbandry. We reared buffaloes, we reared cows. We had a business of milk and it was very good, our thing… the business was very good. After that the government made one… this Rajaji Park and relocated us to **. There they gave us 8,200 varg meter land there. The biggest problem was that we weren’t given ownership rights there. Neither can we take any schemes based on identity cards, nor can we people take loans. Neither can we – like the Kisan Nidhi Yojana that is given as support for farmers from the Prime Minister… we don’t get any support. There is a lot of unemployment here. It’s a big difficulty. Now there is the village. In the village, all kinds of facilities are needed. Earlier, we lived in jungles. If we were weak and even if we didn’t have anything, the situation in the jungle is that if we’re wearing one set of clothes, we can manage to lead our lives with just that. Now there is a village. In the village there are a lot of expenses, there are a lot of difficulties. There has been a huge loss from leaving the jungles – a huge loss, we’ve had to face a lot of difficulties. Around here, the government brought a lot of schemes saying that – “When you people go there, from Rajaji Park, from the jungle, we will help you. We’ll make and give you separate sheds for the animals. We’ll make and give you houses. We’ll make and give you latrines and bathrooms.” All of these things were made into a scheme saying – “We’ll give you school, education, doctor, veterinary doctor for animals’ treatment.” So till now none of these have been facilitated. So we can see all of these problems. So when we used to live in our jungles, near our place, if in a Gujjar family even four buffaloes gave milk, so minimum 30 litres of milk would be collected and our business would run on that. Work would go on very well and it would pay for our expenses. Now there, there is 8,200 varg meters of land. One plot that one family got – they have four-four brothers. There is no space for separate spaces for them, tell us, where do we keep our animals? In that, if we sow wheat, or we farm rice or anything, there is no area only – it’s very less space. It just about covers living space. All our animals went from here to there and died. Here, they used to be in green jungles and ate grass and herbs. Now when we went to the plains, when we went to the village, the animals suffered such illnesses that they were finished. There are a lot of difficulties…

When I was thirteen years old no? So since when I was young, I used to sleep in the bed with my father and I was very fond of my father. My father also used to be very fond, before. So once I woke up very early in the morning, and went and slept where my father was sleeping. Outside everybody was working, my mother was also working outside. I was sleeping on the bed and what do you call this? Brazier? He caught that very tightly. I didn’t say anything at once. I became extremely scared and he caught me so tightly I got up from there and ran outside and sat there for a bit. My mother did nothing, nobody did nothing. After that I stayed far away from my father. I wouldn’t even go near him. I got so scared that I never went near my father, I stayed far away from him.

One day, I told my sister that my father had done this. She told me – “Don’t tell anyone otherwise others will make fun of you that you are saying things like this about your father.” So I used to go for computer classes at ** and their they would host talks about societal issues on Saturday, they said that – “If someone has done something like this to you, it’s not your fault, it is the fault of that person who did it. So you can tell us anything.” But I couldn’t tell them anything because I was very afraid. So I wasn’t talking to anybody and hiding everything from everyone. When I came here with all the ladies, I was comfortable enough to talk about all these things. That’s why I’m telling you this thing also.

Even now I stay away from my father, not near him. My father still sees me like that. I don’t go near him at all. I sleep next to my mother only. When it happened I was thirteen years old and this thing happened to me. I got scared so since then I don’t go near anyone, really, no matter who it is. I don’t even go stand close by. If my father is at home, I keep wearing my dupatta and don’t take it off. Now my father doesn’t do it because I’ve grown older and I might tell someone at home, so when my father is there and no one is at home, my mother is not there, I sit outside with my friends and all… I have no faith in my father. I don’t just sit only, I leave and go outside. I don’t give my father anything and I have not told anything to my mother as well. I have told no one. If he says anything these days, I respond to him in front of other people then and there. So now he doesn’t look at me that way.

She didn’t tell me that. She said – “Don’t tell anybody.” that’s what she said to me. I asked that I should probably tell my mother that my father behaved this way but she said – “Don’t tell mummy and from now on don’t go near father…”, that’s what my sister said… I feel like if I go near him, he’ll do something so I don’t go near him at all. I don’t even look at boys or go near anyone at all. But I enjoy with my brother. My brother is there no, he is not like that so I enjoy being around him. But otherwise I don’t go near any other boy. No… I told no one. When I feel like telling someone, I also feel like it might all go wrong and the wrong meaning may be made of it. So I don’t tell anyone. That is why… Hmm… Yes, I’m scared of all men that somebody would do something to me but I stay away from everybody. Wherever I go, I take my dupatta with me. I don’t wear things like this at home – jeans and all – nothing… I used to wear but now I’ve stopped. Once or twice when I used to go out, I used to wear, now I’ve left it. Everybody tells me – “You wear jeans no!” I say – “No.” I feel safe with the dupatta because I can keep it here like this. When you wear jeans… at this place no, when you go out wearing such things, people look at you. That’s why I don’t even wear jeans. I don’t even wear half **. Sometimes when no one is there at home, I wear it and then later I take it off. ** Now my father lives like nothing ever happened only… and so people don’t know about what happened, he is by himself… he is in his own world. He can do whatever he wants but I stay far away. I do nothing with him. When my mother and brother are around I would respond to him, eat food with him, be happy and if by chance in a mood he puts his hand on me I say like this – “Don’t touch me. Move. Go far away from me.”

I used to live with my parents. I reached the age of marriage so I just told my parents – “I will marry who I want.” That was my sin, that I said this at home. So my father said – “It doesn’t work like that among us people… What we say, you do it as we say.” So we used to live in **. They took me from ** to **. My father went there and picked a groom and the groom – his brain doesn’t work. Like how sometimes he gets a fit… he was a person like that. “You have done something wrong, so you must be punished! You get married to a man like this, your whole life will be destroyed.” I was married off to him. ** we did something to get him treated. And like there was this part of his foot ** the line was wrong, he suffered from a  skin irritation disease… there were many things like this. I was married off to a person who had so many issues! Then after two-three years I got divorced because after marriage, that man started troubling me. The aunt and uncle went and told him that – “Before marriage, she had wanted to marry someone of her choice.” They added more fuel to the fire at home. He started physically hurting and beating me. In all of this, I had a son. The son was born and I told him – “I have done no wrong!” so he said – “No, your aunt and uncle said that – ‘Our niece was like this and that!’…” He mentioned even names – “This uncle and this aunt came and told and went.” So, I had a lot of difficulty and I said – “If you feel that I am in the wrong, then leave me.” So he said – “Neither will I leave you like this nor will I let you live!” So I said – “I won’t live like this at all…” I got really angry and then in **, my mother’s aunt and uncle were there. They had come there for a trip, there, I challenged the man and got my divorce from my husband.

I said – “I’ll have to die this way also and that way also and this way also! Either you will die or I will. I want to leave.” So I got the divorce at court and did – see, no mother can live without her children. I had a son but I couldn’t live without my child. So he said – “I won’t give the boy!” I said – “I will definitely take the boy.” So he said – “** won’t give.” So I said – “I’ll give it in writing.” So I wrote all things that were there, on a stamp paper, whatever jewelry was there… everything, he took and gave me back my son in writing! So I told my father – “Don’t take us to your home. I have left him. But I will take them to my home.” So he said – “You did wrong when you said that you will marry for love. So that was a stranger… We have raised you, taken care till you grew up. So why should we not profit from it…” – the uncle said like this. So I told my father – “Uncle is like this and he says things like this.” So my father said – “Let him go, it’s our house’s honor, he’s of our family only no?” So what should I do? I shouldn’t go to my uncle’s house also, I shouldn’t go to my father’s house also!

I directly took the divorce and left the house. I left the house so – “She ran away with someone!” – the in-laws and my family said behind my back. I left all of society and took my son with me… I worked in what all places! I worked in a company and my finger got cut there. So I got my father to help – “My finger is cut, come see me.” So he said – “You said your finger is cut but you said you have so much courage that you can live alone by yourself! You can raise the child and all…” So I said – “Don’t talk about courage! I have courage but being a father, I called you but it’s only my finger that is cut not my hand and I can still live…”

After that my son grew up. And my mother would live with me because of her helplessness. My son was five and I did a court marriage at ** as in it was written in the papers that – “If you do a second marriage, we will take back the boy.” But those people didn’t ask. I married a second time and I have a girl by him, she’s sixteen years old. Even him… I left him by myself only because he had a wife elsewhere… So I asked him to come live here and he said – “I won’t come to live here.” I would work and earn and eat and he wouldn’t even give us money for care. I used to do a job. He said – “No working.” But if I don’t work, what will we eat at home? “You also won’t give, I also won’t work, how will I run the household? How will I raise these children at home?” So then I came here to the city. And after coming to the city, after 2002, we lived in ** and we came to live at Bombay Hotel in 2005. But till today, whatever work I have done, I have done it without any fear. And now my son is older. So my daughter… the question I had asked earlier, the same question my daughter asks. “You will get me married off anywhere, I won’t marry! I will marry of my own choice!” So my son says – “No. How can the girl choose? What does she know? We’ll do. Where we choose, there she will have to go.” That same question comes back and stands in front of me again! So my daughter has to say – “Mother, what happened to you is going to happen to me!” So I said – “It happened to me when I was helpless and I was alone and I couldn’t do anything…” And at home, we used to observe purdah. We couldn’t get out of the purdah. But now I have seen the world. What all is life! When I had been blameless and done nothing wrong, no one had never even touched my dupatta. When my uncle ruined my reputation this way, I left the house and got dishonored. They ostracized me from society. ** Even then I don’t feel bad whether someone calls me or not. No one used to come and serve me. I only had to work hard.

As in, the whole of society proclaims – “We are of the Jamaat and this and that…” All that is just for saying. It is not for helping someone or… how is someone’s reputation ruined? They don’t think – like four men of the Jamaat made some mistakes and were helped but women are oppressed… But I don’t want to fear anyone, no matter what. And I said this to my daughter that – “Till I am alive, what happened to me will not happen to you!” And I will keep my determination that in future also I won’t let anything like that happen to my daughter. Even today I think that thing. Even if my son… there was one time when, like one time will come when I have to leave my son, the person for whom I left my household, my husband, my parents, I’ve left everything no? A time will come to leave my son too. But I won’t destroy my daughter’s life. I will give her the right to live by her choices. But there is a fear like this in the girl’s heart that – “What can mother do? She won’t be able to do anything. When she couldn’t do it for herself, how will she do it for me?” And with society, like where we used to live earlier, it was a place where Hindus, Muslims used to live together. After that when I came to live in Bombay Hotel no? I feel more afraid. Where we used to live, every community was there. And where we live now in our own area, I feel more afraid. The child will get ready and go outside or if he wears ** clothes like even then the people around will be like… – “Oh you have spoilt your girl a lot! Don’t do this, don’t let her wear that, don’t let her roam like that… She’s of the womankind! What’s the point of educating her? She has to slave at the kitchen only no?” But when problems come – I am also of womankind. I also used to be tied to the kitchen. Today I have to earn to feed my kids. I don’t know anything. So then what could I do? And neither my father nor my mother ever taught me any work anyway… I learnt to sew by myself because my mother and father would go to work and after that I would stay at home alone. I would stay at home alone with the door locked in. I would cut paper, clothes… anything I would do and I  learnt how to sew – nobody knew and I learnt this work secretly. When the time came, I did this work only to raise my kids! And till when I did not have a sewing machine, I did ** work in the company. When my finger got cut, I had no support. So then I would cover it with a plastic bag and continue to work. It would fill up with blood and ** and throw it away and wrap another one. At that time, if anyone even saw me, the people in the community would turn their faces away. And now there are many people you’ll find on the way, our sister, our aunt’s daughter, our aunt’s daughter. A lot of people are there but my heart doesn’t feel like they are our relatives. Like here there is **** it’s been thirteen years since we met – fifteen? Thirteen years have gone by… I have known her since thirteen years. Like ** I was alone with my parents. No I have a brother also who… He also says that – “Whoever society has ostracized, if I call them, what will society say?” Even he doesn’t call us because of fear of society. Even then it doesn’t make a difference to me. But when she becomes angry with me, I become angry with her. I feel really bad and I say so many horrible things that she cries. Till she doesn’t cry, I don’t feel better – I make her cry and I feel like – “Yes, I said something…” but she will bear it. As in she has so much courage that she can bear me. When I get angry I can’t bear it nor did I bear anything of anybody else. And like my uncle’s intentions were bad, my father found out about it at the ** time, that he only destroyed my house. In his deathbed, he said for three months – “Call my daughter once, all these ways you are violent with me… if my daughter was around, my situation would not be like this.” But till his last breath, those people didn’t let me meet my father. And I didn’t know where my father was because otherwise I wouldn’t have let him die like this. So in the last moments, I found out the news, so after that my mother told me she wanted to see so I took her so the daughter-in-law says – “Till now there was no mother, no sister… From where in the sky have you dropped off?” A mother and sister don’t just appear from nowhere! When a mother is there, then only the child comes forth! And my brother, I raised him like my own child. But when it came to my children, I would leave and even for my father, when I left the house, there was anger. – “Why should I raise your children? You raise mine!” He would say – “You are my child, I can do anything for you!” He raised me with a lot of love, he never said anything to me, never even given me a single slap! But he had to say this that – “If my children are sad, I will take care of my children. Why should I raise somebody else’s children?” But for you it was somebody else’s. For me, it was my own. So like for children, my household, everything got destroyed. And even today, when I go even to this organization, I go to their place… went on the path of justice… so wherever I go nearby so I don’t feel afraid. I stay by my value system and I will stay like this in future as well.

When women are on their periods, then people at home tell her, as in for seven days she is not allowed to do any work. “Don’t do this, don’t do that.” As in, earlier it used to be that she could get some rest and hence shouldn’t do any house work. But society has made it this way that she… they created this in society that… Yes… so in my house also it’s like this only, that when we’re on our periods, we’re not supposed to do any work. No going near the temple, nothing. But there’s nothing like this.

My age must have been nineteen-twenty, around that time my marriage was arranged with this groom. So I also liked him and he also might have liked me, is what I feel. So for two years I had something with him and it was fixed at home itself, ours was arranged. So that man pressured me so much that – “No, you wear a burqa.” And I completed graduation and after that only mine was fixed so I wanted to go on to get a Master’s degree but his place objected saying – “You don’t study.”, so my studies stopped right there and I had a relationship with him for two years. I thought that it would be good later, it would become better after marriage but there were a lot of restrictions – “You leave the job and wear a burqa and do only house work.” And I didn’t want to live like this because from earlier on, I have never been like this in my mother-father’s place. If I wanted to go anywhere, I could tell at home that I want to go. “Should I go?” – I never had to ask like this. So when mine was fixed like this here, I felt a lot like my life is bound completely. How I was living openly, that is not happening. And then, this kept going on for a lot of time. This kept stretching throughout the two years. At last, now, a month ago, his father found out that I wasn’t going to do all this stuff. He felt that I was independent and doing a job and everything so he said that – “Your girl comes to our house and does no work.” Even though my marriage hadn’t happened. Before marriage if a girl goes to her in-laws and works… but I… their fan… nobody had ever cleaned it and I went and cleaned their fan! So his father said that – “Your girl never does any work and everything…” and he made my parents hear a lot of things and then itself, my dad said – “It’s up to you. If you want to marry, we’ll have the marriage there itself.” So since then I stopped talking to that guy entirely. So after two months, suddenly, another proposal came along and I wasn’t capable enough to say yes to this one, so I thought about it a lot, a lot. I told everything to that guy as well. And my… this one was an inter-caste one, his caste was different and my caste was different. In our caste, they wed in our one caste only, so my marriage was fixed in this other place and the family was tense because if you marry with another caste then they won’t find a guy from our own caste. But mine happened and it was fixed. Some people from outside said that – “This is a love relationship of the girl’s from her childhood.” But if it was love then it couldn’t have broken like this at all! Mine was very very complicated and whether I should marry or not, even that wasn’t set in my mind and all of this was going on. But now the person with whom my marriage is fixed, he supported a lot at the time when all this was going on at home. Now with me, he is very good only, I can’t really say how he is but I have this fear on the inside that this guy will also be like that one, who will leave me after two years or so… Right now I am with him and I am happy with him but there is a fear on the inside that everyone will be like that only.

My mother and father are also happy, he also knows everything and I am also happy. His engagement was also broken earlier just like this. So he also talked about his past and I also talked about my past so everything is going normally but that small fear that has taken root, it never leaves ever. I feel like this will be there all my life, in my heart because that guy behaved like this with me so… How freely I used to be earlier, the way I was in a relationship back then, I can’t do the same here because I’m afraid – “What if this guy also does the same?” And now my marriage is fixed with him, so my earlier life of just living, going about, not asking anyone for permission, so after this one was fixed, I feel I’ve gotten that life back and I am living openly. And he also gives me full support, the guy with whom my marriage his fixed, him… So I also tell him that – “After my marriage was fixed with you, I feel like I’ve gotten my earlier life back. I want to study ahead and now we have a wedding also…” So he said – “If you want to study after marriage, you study.” As in now the complete opposite has happened in my life. Even I was very… during that time and now my life has become a little bit stable. But that time, the engagement was broken suddenly and then this proposal came along suddenly and I said yes because of my family and later all these conflicts happened. That guy supported me fully at the time. He spoke to me everyday like the other guy. Never spoke to his family but there were no changes in his behavior. With this guy, it’s only been six or seven months since our engagement was fixed, with that other guy it was two years! That guy did all that after two years so this one can also do the same after two years… I feel… But I think positive – “No, everyone is not the same.” That… that… That guy kept a beard and he was fully into Islam. I also believe, I also read the namaz (ritual Islamic prayers done five times a day) and all, but not this much! His deal was, if he wanted to watch the tv, he would. If I watched, he’d say – “Watching tv is prohibited in Islam, so why are you watching?” As in, the rules were according to him! So there was this guy with the same kind of beard who came to Bangalore when I was training there, exactly like that guy, and I would hate him a lot on sight. He used to talk nicely to everyone and he did nothing to me but I would see him and recall that guy so I hated that guy. Sometimes I would think – “What is this guy’s mistake? Why do I hate him like this?” but it’s stuck like that and now if I see a similar bearded guy anywhere, I feel really disgusted… as in, such an image has formed in my mind.

This guy is there. His family has a mother and father, a brother and three sisters and I am the youngest of all so they love me a lot and pamper and care for me. This guy with whom my engagement is fixed, one of his sisters is younger than him but she is married. She is three years older than me, so now I am the youngest in the whole house. Everything is okay now but I keep feeling the fear. That other guy was there, engagement happened and continued for two years but the wedding never happened. With this one, the wedding hasn’t been fixed yet so the fear stays he will also break the engagement then… Then positive thoughts also come that – “No, everyone is not like this. Don’t think like this.” An inner voice speaks to me. This guy with whom my engagement is fixed now, he has a government job so when we sat to speak to each other for the first time, he asked – “Would you do a job?” and I told him that I would work based on the situation. He had also seen a lot of girls before this and he said – “I’ve only heard from everybody that they’ll work only but you gave an answer like this so I like it, because if I even think about you working then this is good…” First, I want my Master’s degree for sure, and I told him so he said that he’ll make it happen after the marriage. And he’s a tenth pass – the guy with whom my engagement is fixed – he’s a tenth pass. He’s in ONGC in Ahmedabad only as a technical assistant, so my thing is I can come here and join some organization here.

I am a ‘Hijra’ (a term for someone living as trans, intersex or other similarly expansive experiences within the spectrum of gender and sexuality, more colloquially understood as male assigned at birth). I am a ‘chela’ (disciple) at a hijra’s house. Like I uh.. Uh… go to study. From my childhood, I have struggled and lived my life with many difficulties… with many incidents… When I was a… I was born in M.P (the state of Madhya Pradesh). After that, within a few years, because of a conflict at home, mummy- my mother brought me to Delhi. We were four brothers and I am the youngest among them. My father was in the village, my mother struggled a lot. After that, gradually, I continued my education. ** other things started to come. Slowly, slowly, my childhood- then I started growing up and then I started knowing what limitations lie within me. I had a hobby of playing with dolls from my childhood but I did not know that further down the line, playing with dolls would create problems for me. I- I never even imagined it! After that, slowly, slowly, as I grew older, I faced some difficulty in studying. More than studying… I received a lot of comments from the streets and the neighborhoods… the comments, they travelled till my home – “Your son is like this, he walks like girls… Whatever friends he has are also like this. They also clap like hijras, is your son like that or no?” Family members asked me things like this a lot, pressured me – “Is there some deficiency within you? Are you a hijra or something?” I reassured the people in my house that I am not a hijra and I am ‘okay’! If I said in front of them that I am a hijra so all the people would… my education would have fully come to a stop there itself and I wouldn’t have been able to study further and I wouldn’t be a graduate today. After that, I explained to them and finished my studies. I grew up and studied and after that, gradually when the slurs from the streets ended… that was my whole life in school – that I had to bear the slurs from the teachers. There are a lot of comments… Many people have different demands while studying so to some extent the teachers had their demands with me as in… there were instances where things got physical. When they found out I had certain mannerisms, so after that some instances happened as in… where people at home found out – as in… at home, people found out that – “He is something like this only…” that – “He has kept us in the dark that no… he is fully a hijra! This only I did not want to tell… why did he not want to tell?” This thing, why did I not tell anyone? I never told this to anyone, I kept it in my heart. And I never found a platform where I could speak and kept it on the inside and it felt like I was going into depression. So after that, gradually I kept studying and after that, I found some friends who introduced me to an NGO where we could do some activity of our own, where we can speak openly, what I can’t do at home, I can do here. Then gradually I found out…

I used to steal my mother’s saree from the house and bring it here and there was an office at our… in my area only and I would go there and wear it all and I would fulfill my heart’s desire, and then more new miseries increased. I learnt that more comments were directed towards me from the outside – “Oh yes, he’s becoming like ‘that’…” From somewhere or the other, out of nowhere… suddenly a photo or something would come at home and then there would be a tussle and… a lot happened and so much happened that even my brothers commented and passed many slurs and – “You are a hijra, bro. You leave the house. You are bringing shame upon the family!” But there were some things that made me stay at home. I didn’t go out from the house and I didn’t tell anyone because if I told anyone on the outside, they would make more fun of me. Like this, things never came out and remained within me. Then I would go to the office, so in the office also the people in our community would be like… I would feel like I should tell the people of our community that this is the situation but it would happen so that they would listen but our community… our community is like they will add more spice to the story and say it forward – we say something here and then they say something different later. “No not like this, that has happened…” So someone or the other is there like this who tells it at home that – “He does this and that… your family members – your mother does this and that..” then after listening to all this… there has been quite a bit of a struggle in my life.

Then gradually, after my graduation was completed, I thought that now that I had completed my studies, something had to be done about a job. Then a friend told me about an NGO in ** called ** and I joined there and I got something good there. And I saw that the work was good and I found this madam there and I became her disciple and I became bound with the rituals of hijras there and today, I am a hijra. I have borne with a lot in my life but I think now that I want to do a good- good job and be in a good position so that if anything happens in the future, that people evict me from my house, I would at least have money and resources so that I can also live elsewhere, if I am evicted. Because of this, there is no need to say anything… many times family members say – “No, this is your place, forget whatever happened during your childhood. Start anew, get married, do this, do that…” But how to do? The things that happen during childhood, they don’t leave you that easily… That I am not normal… get married… How do I even get married? They say get married but even if I get married, when my wife will come and if we get together in bed, won’t she be able to tell what I am? So what do I say? What will she say – “This is not my husband. This is a hijra.” If the very next day she files a case in the High Court that – “My husband is a hijra and I will implicate him and implicate his parents as well. I married a hijra.” so I will only get into trouble!

Life was going fine and then another tragedy struck, one of the major tragedies of my life that changed it completely. During a test on January 16th, I found that I am H.I.V positive… and I found out and all the dreams I had were broken. Everything was broken. And after that, for at least fifteen days, I was lying in bed… nothing, all those friends and all- I don’t consider them friends anymore, nobody supported me. I was laying there on the bed and kept crying and nobody came… those who were my friends, who’ve studied with me for close to ten years, they did nothing. The news spreads with the wind and they must have found out that something has happened to me but they never even came to ask what has happened and what has not happened. I went into depression and wept day and night. How do I tell people at home that I am H.I.V positive? If I tell them I am H.I.V positive they’ll be like how do you know and they will know that I went out and did some horrible, dirty deeds and that’s how I became H.I.V positive. I cried so much, I wept and after a few days I found out that my friends and all are nothing and they never support you in your time of need. So I said that… I even attempted suicide but my heart was so weak that I couldn’t even die. I realized that no one was going to support me and so I would have to be strong for myself. Now it’s not like… they say there is a God and after seven lives you get relief but whatever has happened in my life, I will now live my life this way only. Then I plucked up my courage and I lived my life in a way as if I am not H.I.V positive and in the outside world I saw that I am not the only one who is H.I.V positive. There are more people out there who are H.I.V positive who don’t reveal it. But they say that… I actually tried to tell people that I am H.I.V positive… I am this… I even gave interviews in many places regarding jobs. When they found out that this has happened that this is like this… so then they would… in a roundabout way – they didn’t reject me directly for the job, they indirectly rejected me for the job. That – “No, we don’t have a job available and you work there and there…” and they rejected me indirectly for the job. Then I broke further realizing that the root of all my problems was being H.I.V positive. So then I even ran away from home to end my life and stayed outside for many days. I felt that nothing is left in life and my dreams are broken. Everything as in I had plucked up courage to do so much that I would get something further down the line but I will never find an environment like I found in Delhi but then I found out that everywhere is like that… Even there the same thing happened and I tried hard to kill myself but in the end moment… they say that in the mind what was running was that after many ages, we get a life and that fact was constantly in my head and then I would back out. So then I thought to myself that it was my final decision not to kill myself and I want to live life however it is.

I kept living and I kept walking on and struggling here and there. And I felt that even if family members throw me out of the house, I have to get ready for a good job so that I’ll at least have a good job and live elsewhere as well. But what can I say? Today, I am still living at home but people at home… I am suffering from them but what do I do? Where do I go? I know, how long will people elsewhere keep me? One day… they say no that guests are good for one day at home, and in three days they know that the guests are hanging around and are a problem and the guest should leave. That’s the situation with us. So nobody wants to keep us and… I won’t say too much but even today I am sad with my life, that’s all I want to say. That’s it. That’s all my topic is… why did I become H.I.V positive? They say what’s written in our fate, who can change it? They say that one thing destroyed my whole life… I say that my doings or some previous karma because of which I have got this bad life, so what do I do? I can only curse my past life that I must have done something bad that in this life I am suffering and facing the consequences of it.

I would like to say that how I am H.I.V positive, if there is someone else as well, don’t keep it hidden. Keeping it a secret inside your heart will just create pressure and a burden for you. When the burden grows, you will experience tension because of which you will invite more diseases in towards you, because which you will not make your life better but worse. This is why I say that you should tell only someone who can understand your emotions and not to people who will spread what you tell them and make it into a garbage dump, who take it lightly… Always tell those who can help you… You might feel H.I.V has happened so you have to end your life… that you want to end your life the next day but what do we do? So it’s like this that we have lost our fight for our life and we should end it… They say that the fight for your life is a long one there is such a long life ahead… for me it happened at a younger age so… there are people who are H.I.V positive by birth itself, from inside their mother’s womb itself. So now they can say that it was no fault of their own. So they will also have to live. So all of this that is there I have to do… I only think it’s a sin from a past life…. They say that when you are distressed, you think a thousand thoughts… there is nothing like that. Be happy. Eat yours… drink yours… that’s life.

When I was young, I didn’t live here. We used to live in another place. So we came here from there, to stay. When my mother was with me, she would take really good care of me. Very well… I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere… Care… she would take good care of me. When she left, since then I have felt lonely a lot, as if there is no one in my life. I feel very lonely. When mummy is there, then only everything is there. When she isn’t there, there is nothing. When I was ten years old, my mother passed away. Since then, I only think there should be somebody of our own who can think about us and could teach us something good, who can tell us – “Child, don’t do this. Do this, do that.” Since then, there is no one like this, who says like this. The grandmother, she takes care but a little bit, not much. The way I live now, I live like that only, carefully. Everything is going okay for now… We have to take care because the times are like this, some are good, some look with evil eyes, so that is really scary, that someone will say something, do something. “What will people think? What will they say? What is on your mind? What is she doing?” It’s scary. People from here say a lot of things that this happens, this happens, that happens. This is why it’s a little scary because it doesn’t take much time to become notorious, people don’t take much time to talk, they say very quickly – “It’s like this, it’s like that.” Because of this, people at home also say to be careful, don’t make eye contact, don’t listen to things, to take care of yourself… “Whether there is someone for you or not, you should take care of yourself” – they say all this. So you have to live a bit carefully here because the world has some weird, weird people. Even with people from the family… Because they also know that if you go out, they think the opposite only… “When girls go out to earn, so they do some ‘other’ work only.” something different… their thoughts are itself different.. “She must be roaming around with someone, doing something…” People always gather quickly to tell tales. Nobody says that – “If she’s going to earn, then she’s going to earn only!” Nobody thinks like this. People just say different things and try to incite family members also – “Your girl is doing this. She’s roaming around with someone.”, people say like this. Because of this, I have to be careful at home as well. At home, it’s told that we should mind our own business and not pay attention to anything else, they say like this. Then, I have to take care of the household also. First, go out to earn – “Don’t do anything that makes us hang our heads in shame. We should live with respect.” – they would say like this which is why they wouldn’t allow to go to work far away, they allow only nearby.

People of all religions live here. Here, a lot of riots happen, once in a month, twice… When it happens, it escalates a lot. Either there is stone throwing, vehicles are burnt down, any girl is sexually harassed, this happens here for every community. Because of this we are told – “Be careful so that nobody can take your name. Whoever it may be, you be careful.” they would say. “Because you’re also a girl so you have to be a little more careful.” people at home would say. “So if someone takes your name, you tell us and we’ll ask them why they’re taking your name.” all of this… It all feels a little scary, that something might happen, that people at home would find out something… like this… When I was young, a fight happened here. So everyone was at home, brother was also there…, we all were there. So my brother went out on a walk. So his friend’s girl, sister actually, she had gone out and someone caught her hand asking her to stop. So my brother saw this and asked – “What are you doing? Leave her hand, this is my friend’s sister.” “If this is your friend’s sister, what’s the problem for you? You go wherever you were going.” – they said. “My friend’s sister is like my sister. You leave her hand.” “I won’t leave it. Tell me, what will you do about it?” So in that the two had a fight, The girl was told to go home but she made a phone call and people came. Acid was thrown on her face so her whole face got burnt. In reality, that girl didn’t live for many days, she was only alive till that week and then that girl died. Nobody was ready at the time to take her to the hospital. My brother remained in the fight and the girl remained lying there. Then when they took her to the hospital, the doctor refused saying – “She won’t live now. It’s burnt a lot.” So here, again and again, things like this happen. So people live very carefully because problems happen a lot, riots happen a lot. One time, when we went to sell gas-filled balloons, so there also something like this happened. Someone told us to leave the place safely. But where we were staying, that person also said – “You can’t be here. Because of you, we will also get beaten up.” So this shouldn’t happen. Everyone should be ready to help anybody. But they said – “No, why will we put our children at risk for you? Whether you are a child or whoever, you leave this place. It doesn’t have anything to do with us, no matter what happens to you.” So we requested a lot, to ask them to let us sit for at least two minutes and send us away later. But they said – “No, we can’t let you be here.” Even then we tried and tried to make them understand but then this other man came and told him – “You let them sit for a while and tell them to leave later no.” So then they said – “Okay, you sit. And keep all your things safely. If a lot happens here, you only will be in danger.”

This time, what happens is, a procession goes out. So they make these big-big things like temples of theirs, of Allah. So on that, they had made a really nice Taj Mahal kind of thing. So those… from that particular caste no, they threw stones over it. So that Muslim brother said – “If you have any festivals, we don’t fight or say anything. So, when we have our festivals, why do you need to speak, why do you throw stones?” So in that all the stone-throwing happened and there were huge fights between them. Because of this, we got caught in between. We had gone there for money, to earn something, and got caught there. They said, that Muslim man – he was a good man, he said – “Sit here for now otherwise you’ll have a problem getting out. Leave after a little while. It will be good for everybody.” Because of this, we sat there. We sat there and afterwards we left. Even then, when we got onto the road, a lot had happened – stones, rocks everywhere, whole vehicles are burning, all this was happening. Even then… the police helped a little bit and they offered to drop us home saying – “Yes, let’s go, we’ll get you home. You shouldn’t be outside at a time like this.” But for food, we have to go out. How will we eat, we asked, if we didn’t earn? So with them also this happens… Sometimes police are good, sometimes they are not good. So you have to take care… There are some who see with a dirty glance, and others who see in a good way. They think of you as a mother or sister while some think of you as something else altogether. So even they may not be good. Here, if someone looks at you, they don’t look at you in a good way at all. Because everyone looks at you with something in mind and so everybody here is quite afraid that if something happens, what will people say, thinking like this…

The Muslim girls never go out. Those of our religion, they all go out but feel afraid. They say – “Somebody will come trouble us, say something. What will happen? People in the house are nearby, what if something happens to them?” They are scared like this. This is why they go out but are very careful. Only if they have someone with them, they go out from there. If they are alone, it doesn’t mean that they can go wherever they want and do whatever they want. It’s not like that. Because of family… Some member of the family should be with them, some brother or husband or mother or sister, someone like this should be with them, so that she can go out. It’s like this. A lot like this… at least once in three months, six months, something like this happens here. Some fight between some people happens. When it happens, it only escalates and never dies down. So we have to look out and live carefully.

Fear… there is fear of someone beating us up, so what will happen later? We feel afraid like this. We have to have some courage to fight in front of them, to say something, but this can’t happen because family members tell you not to. Do we not have enough courage to fight in front of them? They can control only themselves and not others so we have to live in fear of them… **

Everything happens in the house only. Those who don’t have it in their houses – bathrooms are there in some houses but those who don’t have them have to go outside. So when we go outside, there are these useless boys sitting there. So when we go out, we take someone with us. We never go alone. If we go alone, someone eve-teases us, someone grabs our hand, someone says something dirty… That’s why we are told to never go alone and to always take someone along with us. If we take someone with us, those people will see that we have someone with us and won’t say anything. When you go out alone, a lot of people come out to trouble you. So you shouldn’t go out alone at all, you shouldn’t leave your house alone at all. Someone should be with you. But every girl wants a chance to roam around by herself, so she can go out, roam, eat, drink, live according to herself. But family members say – “No going out alone! Someone should be with you.” They feel afraid that their girl goes out alone and something bad happens with her, there will be shame. This is why they are afraid. So they always tell you to go with someone always and never let you go out alone.

My family members will never agree to get me married to the person I like. They will say no. Because they will say – “Only the place which we like, you will be married into.” They will say like this only. “The one you like, not over there.” They’ve said this from the beginning and are saying this even now – “Where we like, you will be married there. Not anywhere else. You also shouldn’t look anywhere. If you go looking, there will be problems. No looking anywhere. Where we get you married off, there you will go.” It happens like this. When you fall in love with someone, then marriage should happen with them only, no? If family members don’t like, then what’s the point? The person who has to live with them, they should be the ones to like. They say – “No. Those whom we like, you should only live with them and marry them.” It’s not necessary that you will be asked whether you like them or not. If their house is good and you get food to eat, then it’s good. But is it like that? Will life pass by with just that? Food and drink, house and everything is here as well. It’s there as well. But what’s important is love only, no? Those who give love, spending your life with them is what you would like! Where is there a will to spend your life with someone who doesn’t give you love? You wouldn’t even want to live with them. Lots of fights happen. You can’t even live with them. We should only marry whoever understands us. What is the point of marrying someone who doesn’t understand us, knows us? He tells me – “I won’t leave you. I will only marry you. You only marry me, don’t marry anybody else! I can’t live without you.” I also told him that I would do the same but what to do when family members don’t agree? He said – “Then come to me. I’ll keep you. We’ll elope and get married, without the family…” His family members will later accept – “Whatever happened was good only.” “Let’s get married.” – he says. So I feel afraid. If family members agreed, it would be good but if they find out… I feel really scared. So I can’t let them find out also…